I went over something in class on Monday and the conversation drifted to toxic friendships. Afterwards I wrote this
Toxic friendships and relationships are one of the most emotional draining and abusive things anyone can ever be put through. They're sneaky and illusive. You don't realize what's happening until it's too late. You don't realize they are hurting you until you're already broken. It's a slow, painful road. First, you'll notice their problems, so you'll try to fix them. But you can't. So you get guilty because you're not good enough. You'll find yourself falling into depression and developing problems similar to theirs. You start to hurt and you feel like you can't help them unless you help yourself. It becomes a nasty cycle of guilt and pain.
Then, you start to feed off them. A toxic relationship, platonic or not, is like a weed. You try and try to push them away but they just sprout back into your life. You regret things because you still love them. You might blame yourself like I did. Thinking, "why am I not good enough? Why can't I love them enough to push through this?" It's not that you are not good enough. You've given it your all and they've taken it all, but they don't want your help. They don't want to heal. You become stuck to a person you are constantly worrying about but also hating because deep down you know this isn't right. A friend isn't supposed to hurt you or constantly make you feel guilty. A friend isn't supposed to make you wish you could just make them forget you.
Then, you start to look back. Your heart drops as you realize the problems this has caused. The problems it's caused in you. You realize this can't go on. It's too much for you to handle. You can't do everything. You're not a god. But what problems could it cause for them mentally? Will that lead to physical self harm? Is it really worth this? Shouldn't I just try to push through this? Ignore this pain and put on a smile?