Vay

I really hate my brain. I had a really important swim meet and I psyched myself of and did bad

Toxicity is part of life. Poison comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes we don't even realize it's hurting us. Sometimes we see the poison but you have already relied on it. Sometimes you fall in love with the poison. You want the poison and you don't care if it's killing you from the inside out. 
          
          If any of you are dealing with this, I beg you to realize what's happening before its too late. Before you want the pain to continue so you don't have to do the hard thing. And if you have to do the hard thing, just know there are people out there who understand. They can help you see the big picture without being clouded by love. My dms are always open. Love yall! 
          
          (Sorry they're split it was wayyyy too long)

This is the hardest part. Deciding when you should cut them off. Deciding where the line has to be. This part had me in a fetal position, crying into my knees while my boyfriend urged me to cut her off. I remember him saying "she's toxic. She's hurting you. Cut her off babe. Nothing good is coming from this. She doesn't deserve your tears after what you did to her." I wanted to agree with him but what if he was just saying that because he loves me? I felt like I was abandoning her while she was struggling. I was doing exactly what she did to me. I was doing what I promised not to do.
          
          I went to another friend to help and to talk to. He made me realize I had already made up my mind and I knew what I needed to do. With tears in my eyes and my boyfriend in my ear saying "just let her go baby", I pushed that button to block her. I blocked one of my best friends. I blocked someone I loved. I threw someone I love out of my life. And it hurt more than you could ever imagine. It hurt to the point that I was tearing up in class when we were talking about this. 
          
          At first, I hated myself for my choice. I almost let her in when she came crawling back, but I stopped myself. I had given her too many chances. I couldn't let her hurt me again. I couldn't let her control my emotions and life. I wish we could've been healthy and loving but life is life. We can't control who we meet or who we start to care about. We can't control who we grow to love. 
          

I went over something in class on Monday and the conversation drifted to toxic friendships. Afterwards I wrote this
          
          Toxic friendships and relationships are one of the most emotional draining and abusive things anyone can ever be put through. They're sneaky and illusive. You don't realize what's happening until it's too late. You don't realize they are hurting you until you're already broken. It's a slow, painful road. First, you'll notice their problems, so you'll try to fix them. But you can't. So you get guilty because you're not good enough. You'll find yourself falling into depression and developing problems similar to theirs. You start to hurt and you feel like you can't help them unless you help yourself. It becomes a nasty cycle of guilt and pain. 
          
          Then, you start to feed off them. A toxic relationship, platonic or not, is like a weed. You try and try to push them away but they just sprout back into your life. You regret things because you still love them. You might blame yourself like I did. Thinking, "why am I not good enough? Why can't I love them enough to push through this?" It's not that you are not good enough. You've given it your all and they've taken it all, but they don't want your help. They don't want to heal. You become stuck to a person you are constantly worrying about but also hating because deep down you know this isn't right. A friend isn't supposed to hurt you or constantly make you feel guilty. A friend isn't supposed to make you wish you could just make them forget you. 
          
          Then, you start to look back. Your heart drops as you realize the problems this has caused. The problems it's caused in you. You realize this can't go on. It's too much for you to handle. You can't do everything. You're not a god. But what problems could it cause for them mentally? Will that lead to physical self harm? Is it really worth this? Shouldn't I just try to push through this? Ignore this pain and put on a smile? 
          

I'm up early for a morning practice and my mom (who is driving me) is bitter and angry. I asked her what was wrong and she said and I quote "I don't want to upset you before practice." I'm scared now. What if she's mad at me for something (and we've already been having a lot of problems lately). Or she's super mad at my dad and I absolutely hate when they're fighting. It puts a dark cloud over the whole damn house. So, I don't know what her problem is. She wouldn't tell me. But her "I'm gonna save you" play just scared me more :(

HAPPY EASTER TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE IT! 
          
          AND TO THOSE WHO DONT ~ HAVE A GREAT DAY!
          
          LOVE YOU ALL! 

The person reading this is kind and I am proud of them. Now on your clock in 9 minutes something will make you happy. Share this with 15 people you love! Now, I have a game for you. It’s been played since 1997!! Once you read this, send it to 15 people. Your next five days will be like this:
          
          
          Day 1- you will wake up with the biggest shock of your life.
          
          
          Day2- you will cross paths with an old friend.
          
          
          Day 3- you will find yourself with lots of money.
          
          
          Day 4- your day will be perfect.
          
          
          Day 5- the person you like the most will spend lots of time with you.
          
          
          If you don’t forward/send this, your day will be the exact opposite (don’t break this chain and send it to 15 people)

HELP IDK WHAT TO DO
          
           Ok so, I like this guy who doesn't like me back. He knows I like him, and he still wants to stay friends. We talk all the time. He's like super sweet and funny and all around a good guy. 
          
           I keep trying to get rid of these feelings and they won't fucking go away!!!!!
          
          I feel like I just keep falling harder!!!!
          
           Idk what to do!!!!
          
          HELP PLS :(((

he person reading this is kind and I am proud of them. Now on your clock in 9 minutes something will make you happy. Share this with 15 people you love! Now, I have a game for you. It’s been played since 1997!! Once you read this, send it to 15 people. Your next five days will be like this:
          
          
          Day 1- you will wake up with the biggest shock of your life.
          
          
          Day2- you will cross paths with an old friend.
          
          
          Day 3- you will find yourself with lots of money.
          
          
          Day 4- your day will be perfect.
          
          
          Day 5- the person you like the most will spend lots of time with you.
          
          
          If you don’t forward/send this, your day will be the exact opposite

Boop! You’ve been booped! Now go boop 29 more other people! 
          Hehehehh 
          
          *Runs away*
          HAVE FUN LOS-
          *face plants into tree*