I honestly need to vent. Everything I do is not good enough anymore. I’m not good enough anymore. I look in the mirror and all I can see is a failed project. I’m constantly compared and critised, from my piano to my report card. I thought i was trying my best, I really did. Apparently two C+, B+s, A, and A+s aren’t enough. I think so too. I know my mom is looking out for me, and i think she means well. I just can’t deny that it hurts. A lot. I cry myself to sleep every night, and in the morning i keep up the charade of this positive, sunshine-like person. It’s surprisingly not suffocating or exhausting, it’s actually nice to get appreciated and loved. But i know that it’s fake. They’ll leave someday when they see the unfiltered me. They don’t like me. They like the carefully curated version of myself I create when I interact with people. I made my bestfriend feel bad because i thought calling her stupid was a joke, you know, nothing too serious. I also almost made my friend cry about 3 times, but who’s keeping track?? I have a fear of being ignored. Forgotten. Like i just exist, nothing else. When I was in Year 5, I moved to Australia. And I saw how differently parenting works there. It feels like parents actually SHOWS affection. I made it my whole life mission to get my mom to say ‘I love you.’ Looking back, i was kind of stupid. I would leave cringey-assed notes woth sthing like: ‘Love you, mom.’ My mom never acknoledges it, but i thought it was because she was shy. Asian parents, right? Until one day, I came home with my report card/test results. I remember being so scared. My mom was literally furious. I dont remember her whole rant, but it was something like ‘what did you do to deserve my love?’ I actually considered ending my life that night. I cried until i looked like a mess. My mom apologized eventually, saying she didn’t mean it and it was just in the heat of the moment. I accepted her apology, but that night always lingered in my mind.
