Luluturtle

growin up, and even still, my mom didn't want me on youtube. she thought that if i got on to youtube, i would end up on one slightly racist video and the algorithm would turn me super racist and "Trump-y". Ummmm, I watch mostly only watch OT

I just realized that this stupid 'friendship' I really, really wanted was me having a crush. I hate this.

I dislike so many people in the world, for doing so many awful, terrible things. Remember, if you're reading this, it's not you that i hate. Unless you Trump. If Trump is reading this for some reason, I do in fact hate you.

If I just forget that i'm anxious, then I'm fine. I did it all day today, and it was great. The problem is, random things will remind me that I'm supposed to be anxious. I was thinking about The Hunger Games and my brain went "your supposed to feel like breathing is hard". I feel like if I have to remind myself that life is stressful, then nothing is wrong, but then I feel like I'm pretending to have imposter syndrome.
          I'm making up a fake feeling to have fake imposter syndrome about. Does that mean I have imposter syndrome about having imposter syndrome?

I think I need to swim more. I woke up with so much anxiety in my chest, I could barely breathe. Then, I got to swim practice and got into the pool, and my anxiety left in like five minutes. Unfortunately, there's no before-school practice this year, so I'll probably continue to have anxiety in my chest all day at school. Yay...

School just started and i'm gonna probably die between swim and classes. I HATE first day of school pleasantries, get to know you activities, and all that fun stuff, and very few of my friends are going with me

I love my friends, but sometimes they're a bit... oblivious? For example, there's this boy I'm friends with, and he has a younger brother who just finished 7th grade (this kid is super sweet) and, one day, me, my friend, his little brother, and two of the youth leaders at my church who just happen to be married (They're also straight)(ok, I don't actually know that, I just know that they're in a straight relationship). They're like 24, and amazing, but that's unimportant. The wife said something like 'remember when everyone kept telling me you were gay' and my friend's little brother looks at the husband and goes “So you mean you’re a homosexual? You like men and WOMEN?” 
          I would like to add my youth group is pretty progressive. This kid didn't have anything against him being gay, but... the way he phrased it, like 'do you really, really also like women? like your wife?'

VBS is intense. Like what do you mean a SIX YEAR OLD came up to me, stroked my chest, than announced "I just touch your nipple". Also, WHAT DO YOU MEAN his mom was annoyed that he wasn't allowed to come back if he didn't have a parent with him, one on one all day?!

I don't know if I believe in any of the bible anymore. I can't talk to my family about this, since they'll feel bad that they 'failed me' and I don't want to deal with the weird guilt that I'll get, and my friends don't want to talk to me about it because they "don't want to influence my opinions" which I respect, but I feel like I need someone in real life to unload my mind on.
          
          Also, I love going to church. A lot of my best friends go there, and, while I know that there are many churches that are abusive in different way, my church is very progressive(sorta) but I don't want to fully not believe because I want to stay friends with this people.
          
          Figuring out my sexuality probably had something to do with this, and a woman at my church (with no leadership) tell me that people who don't believe in the bible are going to burn in hell. She was talking about some of my other best friends.
          
          I like turtles!!

TURTLES ARE AWESOME!!!!! (i have one personality trait)