Hey! I really like the plot you’re building—it’s interesting and easy to follow. One thing that could make your story hit even harder is how you write emotions.
Right now, you sometimes state them directly (like saying a character is sad or scared). That works, but it doesn’t always pull the reader in.
You could try showing the emotion instead—like describing what the character feels physically or how they react. For example, instead of “he was sad so he cried,” you could describe things like his chest feeling tight, his thoughts racing, or how he couldn’t fall back asleep.
It helps the reader actually feel what the character is going through instead of just being told. Your story already has a strong idea, so this would just make it more immersive.
