☆꧁𝓒𝓮𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓪𝓵 𝓕𝓻𝓪𝓰𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽꧂☆

Ayo just wanted to say that I moved from this account if anyone is wondering- Looking back at this now I'm starting to realize how bad my mental state was last year and I'm glad I got better lol. Anyways to anyone reading this I hope you have a great day ^^

I'm most likely going to stop writing in this account for a while..

Have you ever questioned your own existence before?Why the heck do we even exist??? It's not like we're a vital part to the environment, we're more of an invasive species... Actually, do humans count as an invasive species?!

The Corona virus is getting a bit too close... Hope nothing bad happens or anything... Anyhow, how's your day?

Emotional pain. It's just... So easy to hide... People are idiots. They claim that eyes are the windows to the soul. Are they, really? Sure, some eyes appear dull. Lifeless. Sad. But people can't see that, can they? Sure, humans can tell if you are sad, or happy, or mad, just by looking at your expression. Do your eyes really play a part in that though? Then again, people just ask "Hey! Are you okay?" Tell them "Yeah" And they'll believe it and leave. Tell them "No" and they won't care. They'll just pretend like they do. So many people are like that and it's just hilarious how idiotic humans are! You know, sometimes, I don't feel 'human'. Are humans supposed to feel emotions? Do they show affection? What do they do? Because I'm not sure. All I feel is numb. Blank. Silence is the definition of my 'thoughts'. They aren't voices. I think. I don't know. It's quiet. I can tell if I'm sad though. It's a bit painful. But it isn't that difficult to manage. Just smile and tell others "Hey how ya doing'? Haven't seen you in a while!" and they won't think twice. They just play along and reply, not paying attention to emotions, just the tone f voice you use. They just listen to your voice and they won't pay attention to body language too much. 
          My guide to how to pretend like you're happy? Put on a small smile, don't look down, and don't sound too... yeah.

Loneliness. A feeling that I have always felt despite being quite numb. It's pretty bad, to say the least. To me, it feels like something was eating me from the inside. I like to overthink about my situation sometimes. The pain is the one thing telling me that I'm alive. And weak. Call it 'self-harm' if you will. I'm not physically harming myself so nobody has a reason, really, for being concerned. After all, nobody will know if I don't show it. I remember the reason why I 'numbed' myself. You can say that me parents weren't very nice. That's fine though! I was annoying and a huge pain to deal with. Is obviously better for them that I don't interfere with them! It's obvious that they favor my younger siblings! It's obvious that my mother cares more about my brother. It's obvious my dad doesn't really like my mom too much anymore. It's obvious my sisters absolutely hate me for something I didn't do. It's obvious that my friends only hang around me out of pity. It's obvious that they don't know that I know. It's clear. They think that I'm not 'responsible' enough. They think that I'm annoying. They only see me as a burden. They only see me as someone to talk to. Not going to deny, I enjoy helping people.  I'll listen to them. Then again, they won't listen to me without interrupting and immediately start talking about themselves. It's fine. 
          Most of the time, I feel like I exist only to please others. I feel like nothing really matters anymore, not when the world is... bleh...
          Sometimes I let the pain consume me from the inside. I feel like the pain is the only way to escape. Sooner or later, I'll just become numb. Then I'll try to conjure up more thoughts that'll hurt until they don't. I've already accepted the fact that my parental figures don't need me anymore. I've accepted the fact that I'm just a person. Someone you shouldn't give thought to. Someone not worth thinking about.

Truth be told, people can be gullible. You can easily lie and tell them that you're fine when you aren't They probably won't understand. They'll probably assume what your situation is like and get it all wrong. They'll assume that you're okay when you tell them with a smile. My friends are nice. But I remember hearing them say how I never smiled for real. I almost always smile. I think. I dunno. People usually tell me how dead my expression is. That's just my face. Then again, people have noticed, very rarely, how apathetic I am. Then again, I can't really feel any strong emotions towards anything to be honest. Everything is just 'bleh'. Like nothing matters. Every little thing that people get frustrated about; I literally don't see what's going on. Better to not judge than to understand, am I right? Most of the time, I find myself smiling and going along to a conversation I have no memory of being in. Sometimes I find myself smiling at something I don't find amusing. Or nice. Always, that smile just feels empty. It's always that same, stupid smile I find myself to hate. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I taught myself to smile so much, even if it's difficult to deal with. Maybe because I don't anyone to know what I'm really feeling. Then again, nobody will care if I was happy or not. That's how everything has been, from what I can remember. I prefer to make others happy, even if it means that I'm not. Then again, who am I to say that? I've always been there for others. But nobody was there for me. There never was. And there never will be.

Identity. Such a fragile thing, really. Especially if you don't remember much; I've lost over six years of who I was, who I used to be. I have some small fragments and some people even tell me what they remember. To be honest, after hearing all that, I feel like I used to be a huge jerk. Not gonna lie, I have no memory of doing such things. I don't remember much in general. Some of my 'earliest memories' that I have of being 'aware' was when I was around three or four. I remember trying to remember what I did when I traveled to visit my relatives. Although I kinda know who some of them are, I don't remember what I did. I don't remember what I said. I don't remember a thing. Just names and a vague description stored somewhere in my head. Every time I try to reach back and recall memories, I can't find anything. Kinda like if you put your house keys in your pocket and when you reach into your pocket, it's empty. And you don't remember where you put it either. You don't remember if you even put the keys in you pocket. You don't even know if you had the keys in the first place. I don't really have a photographic memory, I don't have a good memory in general. I already forgot what I did at my summer camp last year. I couldn't grasp at the memory of what I did while I was at the plane. I remember some of their faces, sort of. I only remember some details like 'This person was tall and had tanned skin' or 'This person was tall and had a mustache'. I can't pull up a clear picture any more. Only words. I remember when I was younger, I was never able to 'imagine' anything. I say what I 'think' or what I tell myself. I have no clue what I am thinking since I'm petty sure I was typing. I feel like kids saw me as the 'weird kid' who can't think. Good thing I was and still a good liar. (Note the sarcasm.)

Well crap. I've suddenly realized that I'm aware of my own conscious being conscious... Is that even possible?! Well I guess it is now. Fun fact: There is a difference between self awareness and consciousnesses. Search it up, or not. 
          
          Internal thoughts because... nobody is going to notice. Probably. Most likely. 
          Since death is a thing and people describe it as 'going to sleep' sometimes, will you be stuck in a dream? Trapped in a sleep like state? But dying can also cause other complications I unfortunately don't have the words to describe.  Also, if your memories make you who you are, what happens if you loose your memory? Are you the same person or are you a stranger wearing someone else's skin? If memory and self-awareness also plays a part in identity, then what happens when you die? What will happen to your consciousness? Will it go out? If your consciousness tells you whats going on, will you know if you are conscious or not? Is it even possible to know if you are truly unconscious? Because if you are aware that you are unconscious, then are you actually conscious? Is it also possible to be able to know if you are dead? Since when you die, brain activity will cease. However, your brain plays a part in consciousness, in my opinion, so if you die, you're not going to be self aware or conscious. However, if death is like a wave of darkness covering you, then aren't you technically aware that you are dying, even after death?
          
          
          Do you know what scares me the most? Eternity. Just the thought of eternally being conscious or unconscious is disturbing. Just think about it.

I'm suddenly seeing doubles of everything.... huh, guess my vertigo is messing with me again...