TW: Vent, friendships.
I have trust issues. By that I mean I can't trust myself. I've had two friends abandon me without warning and I know it was the right thing. Not to be texted late at night and just be ignored after that. No. But my friends deserved to cut me out. She never came back. He talked to me and we apologized. He and I are close friends again. That time it ended well.
I have a new best friend who I've only known for like a year. I trust him more than anyone and tell him everything. I found out from a mutual friend of ours that he kept something from me.
He and said friend are going on a date. To my workplace. My best friend didn't tell me. Our friend was very surprised he hadn't. When I brought it up, he said he didn't tell me because I can't keep a secret. Later, I found out he told another friend. Half-jokingly, I go, "You told her before me?"
He goes, "She's the first one I told. She's a lot more trustworthy than you."
It really stung. But that's fine. You know what hurt more? Knowing he was right. I knew that he had no reason to trust me. I can't hold a secret. At least not that he knows of. If he'd told me specifically that I shouldn't tell anyone, I would have. But he knows he can't trust me. And even though I know he's right, even though it's okay for him to feel that way, even though I'm happy he got asked out, it hurts. It hurts so much to know my best friend doesn't trust me. It hurts to know that he's right not to. It just hurts. Now I'm scared of talking to others because I just spill things as they come to mind. I don't want to fight. But he doesn't know I can't fully trust him. He told me a joke recently that was very concerning. I spent a week terrified for his safety only to find out it was a joke. I was so mad. Even now I don't know what he says is a joke. I can't trust what he says. He can't trust what I won't say.