MLAWY97

Short stories
          	
          	1) He knew another word 
          	Bob:  Have you noticed that in English language there is only one word in which "su" at the beginning of the word are pronounced as [fu]?
          	Bill: Really? What is the word?
          	Bob: Sugar.
          	Bill: Are you sure?
          	
          	The professor could not answer it
          	Old Mr. Johnson is a very clever man. He has a lot of degrees. Yet the other day he could not answer his granddaughter's question. 
          	"Grandpa," she said, "I saw something so funny running across the kitchen floor without any legs.  What do you think it was?"
          	Grandpa thought and thought, but at last he had to give it up. "What was it?" he asked "Water," replied the little girl triumphantly. 
          	2) Following the advice 
          	The teacher stood with his back to the fireplace on a winter morning. He decided to give good advice to the pupils before starting the lesson. "Before you speak, think. County 50 before you say anything important and count 100, if it is very important."
          	The lips of his pupils began moving in unison, and suddenly they cried loudly: "Ninety-nine, one hundred! Your coat tails are on fire, sir!"
          	3) The twins
          	Two brothers were twins. It was bathing time and from the twins' bedroom came sounds of laughter and loud crying. Their father went up to find out the cause. 
          	"What's the matter up here?" he asked . The laughing twin pointed to his crying brother. "Nothing," he giggled, "only Nurse has given him two baths and hasn't given me any at all."

MLAWY97

Short stories
          
          1) He knew another word 
          Bob:  Have you noticed that in English language there is only one word in which "su" at the beginning of the word are pronounced as [fu]?
          Bill: Really? What is the word?
          Bob: Sugar.
          Bill: Are you sure?
          
          The professor could not answer it
          Old Mr. Johnson is a very clever man. He has a lot of degrees. Yet the other day he could not answer his granddaughter's question. 
          "Grandpa," she said, "I saw something so funny running across the kitchen floor without any legs.  What do you think it was?"
          Grandpa thought and thought, but at last he had to give it up. "What was it?" he asked "Water," replied the little girl triumphantly. 
          2) Following the advice 
          The teacher stood with his back to the fireplace on a winter morning. He decided to give good advice to the pupils before starting the lesson. "Before you speak, think. County 50 before you say anything important and count 100, if it is very important."
          The lips of his pupils began moving in unison, and suddenly they cried loudly: "Ninety-nine, one hundred! Your coat tails are on fire, sir!"
          3) The twins
          Two brothers were twins. It was bathing time and from the twins' bedroom came sounds of laughter and loud crying. Their father went up to find out the cause. 
          "What's the matter up here?" he asked . The laughing twin pointed to his crying brother. "Nothing," he giggled, "only Nurse has given him two baths and hasn't given me any at all."

MLAWY97

Short stories
          
          1) What can Johnny do?
          Mother sent Johnny and the baby into the garden to play, but it was not long before she heard cries. 
          -"Johnny, what is the matter with the baby, now?" she asked from the kitchen.
          -"I don't know what to do with him, Mother" answered Johnny. "He has dug a hole and he wants to bring it into the house."
          2)A wonderful talker
          A sailor walked into an auction shop as the auctioneer was asking for birds on a parrot. "15 $," said the sailor.
          "20 $," said another bidder.
          "25 $" said the sailor.
          " 40 $" said the other bidder.
          "45 $" said the sailor. No further bids were heard, and the auctioneer said: "Sold."
          The sailor took the bird and the cage, gave the money, and said: "I have paid a lot of money for the parrot. Can he talk?"
          "Can he talk!" said the auctioneer "Why, sailor, he was bidding against you."

MLAWY97

Short stories 
          
          1) A bicycle 
          Parents gave their son a bicycle and were watching proudly as he rode around and around the block. 
          On his first round he shouted: "Look, Mom, no hands."
          The second time around: "Look, Mom, no feet."
          At the third time: "Look, Mom, no teeth."
          Leading questions
          -"Billy," said the teacher, "what does c-a-t spell?"
          -"Don't know, sir" said Billy.
          -"What does your mother keep to catch mice?"
          -"A trap, sir."
          -"No, no. What animal is very fond of milk?"
          -"The baby, sir."
          -"You stupid! What was it that scratched your sister's face?"
          -"My nails, sir."
          -" I am out of patience. There, do you see that animal in the yard? Then tell me, what does c-a-t spell?"
          -"Kitten, sir."
          2) He did not want it 
          An old cowboy went to the city and stopped at a hotel for the first time in his life. The clerk asked him if he wanted a room with running water.
          "No," the cowboy said, "What do you think I am, a trout?"

MLAWY97

Short stories
          
          1) Bad Grammar
          Voice on the phone: Are your father and mother at home?
          Schoolboy: They was, but they isn't now.
          Voice: They was, but they isn't? - Where's your grammar!
          Schoolboy: She is out too. 
          2) An Unusual Answer 
          The teacher told the pupils about the bear sleeping in winter. After explaining it to the children, she said: 
          "Can anyone tell me of any other animal that sleep in winter?"
          A little boy's hand went up, and the teacher said: 
          "Well, Peter, you may tell us of one."
          "Santa Claus," said the little boy "only he does it in the summer time."

MLAWY97

Short stories
          
          1) He Did His Duty
          John became a policeman. On the very first day his lieutenant told him, "John, I am giving you an easy beat to start with - just from the station house to that red light and back." John disappeared for 2 days. 
          "Where the devil were you?" shouted the lieutenant when John came back. "Didn't I tell you your beat was just from here to that red light?"
          "You did, but that red light was on the back of a car." 
          2) A "pleasant" night
          Mr. Brown, a travelling man, was a very light sleeper. 
          One night he stopped at a small hotel, and after some time he got into a sound sleep. Suddenly he heard some loud knocks and nervously sat up in bed:
          -"What is the matter?" he asked
          -"Package downstairs for you, sir."
          -"Well, let it stay there: it can wait till morning, I think."
          The boy went down the corridor, and after a long time the guest fell into a sound sleep again. Then another knock came at the door:
          -"Well, what is up now?" asked Mr. Brown
          -"It is not for you, that package" said the boy.

MLAWY97

Educational message
          
          A lesson in politeness
          Jonathan Swift, the famous English writer and the author of "Gulliver's Travels" was not very generous. 
          He seldom gave anything to the servants or those who sent him presents. But once he received a lesson from a boy who very often carried him hares, partridges. and other game. 
          One day the boy arrived with a heavy basket containing fish, fruit, and game. He knocked at the door and Swift by chance opened it himself. 
          "Here," said the boy gruffly, "my master has sent you a basket full of things". 
          Swift, feeling displeased at the boy's rude manner, said to him:
          "Come here, my boy, and I will teach you how to deliver a message a little more politely; come, imagine yourself Jonathan Swift, and I will be the boy."
          Then taking off his hat very politely, and addressing himself to the boy, he said: 
          "Sir, my master sends you a little present, and begs you will do him the honour to accept it."
          "Oh, very well, my boy," replied the boy, "tell your master I am much obliged to him, and there is half a crown for yourself."
          Swift laughed heartily, and gave the boy a crown for his wit. 
          
          Understood? Education is very important. Educated kids are nicer and funnier.

MLAWY97

Swedish humor:
           Viable recipe
          
          Have you heard  the story of the man who was with the doctor and got a prescription? It was an old skilled teacher but his recipes were unreadable to ordinary people. The man went to the pharmacist, who gave him a medicine, and then he put the prescription in his pocket. One day he was going into a boxing match. He put his hand in his pocket and picked up the recipe. The guard looked at it for a while, then he signed it and said:
          -Pass!
          The man thought it was wonderful, for 8 months he used prescriptions as a passport for football, boxing, theater rehearsals and more. It was only when he went to a cinema, that it failed. The caretaker studied the recipe, then he said:
          -No, that does not work! This only applies to the seven shows! 
          
           Too bad!