MYRD3R

Yoongi: So how do you make a date more romantic?
          Jimin: I dunno, try being mysterious I guess?
          [Later ...]
          Hoseok: So where are we going?
          Yoongi: None of your fucking business.
          
          [Namjin in a haunted mansion]
          Namjoon, ducking away from a zombie: So are you scared?
          Seokjin: What? No!
          Seokjin: I have this terrified look on my face because I'm *flinch* having *jumps* so *screams* much *leaps away* damn *trips* fun!
          
          Jungkook: I was thinking of a spring wedding, you know, not too hot or cold.
          Taehyung, giving him a funny look: Huh? But we aren't ... engaged?
          Jungkook, grimacing: So THAT'S what I forgot to do yesterday.

Jimin: When we walk together, please think of me.
          Jimin: Take into consideration of my tiny legs.
          Jimin: I want to be able to comfortably walk, not jog.
          Taehyung: Get some roller skates and hang onto my sleeve, we don't have all day.
          
          Yoongi: *sitting there on Christmas Day drinking vodka*
          Hoseok: It's Christmas, Hyung, can't you be more festive?!
          Yoongi, staring at Hoseok: *carefully inserts candy cane into vodka*
          
          Seokjin, to Jungkook: Moan louder every time the cashier scans an item.
          Jungkook: *grins*
          Namjoon, turning away: Please don't do this, I have a reputation, too-

Kidnapper, on the phone: We have your hyung with us, hostage.
          Taehyung, on the other end of the line: Which hyung is it then?
          Kidnapper, talking quietly: Umm ...  so he's sleeping right now.
          Kidnapper: He ate all of our snack stash and we're scared to wake him.
          Seokjin, snatching the phone: Thank you, we'll pick him up next week.
          Namjoon: But Jin Hyung, it's Monday, aren't you being selfish?!
          
          Jungkook: Hyung, my hands are really cold.
          Jimin: *takes Jungkook's hands in his warm ones*
          Jungkook: Hyung, my feet are also really cold.
          Jimin: *puts his warm feet on top of Jungkook's*
          Jungkook, getting an idea: Hyung, my lips are cold.
          Jimin, no hesitation: *slaps hand over Jungkook's lips*
          
          Hoseok: Shut up, Hyung, I'm thinking.
          Yoongi: *narrows his eyes*
          Yoongi: Don't worry, first times are always hard.

Jimin, casually: So you're not suing Manager Sejin or Bang PD, are you?
          Yoongi: *remembers Hitman Bang announcing he'd have to dance in 2013*
          Yoongi: Um ... bitch I might be.
          
          Hoseok: I cut my finger and it's bleeding.
          Namjoon: Put pressure on it.
          Hoseok, to his finger: You better stop fucking oozing blood or we're both gonna fucking die.
          
          Taehyung: WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO?!
          Jungkook: THE DAMN HOUSE IS BURNING!
          Seokjin: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, FUCK!
          Jungkook: HYUNG AREN'T YOU THE OLDEST?!
          Seokjin: BITCH NOT MENTALLY!

Jungkook: Studying is-
          Jimin: Student dying.
          Taehyung: The saga continues.
          
          Namjoon: Your dancing improved.
          Seokjin: *blatantly ignores him*
          Namjoon, sighing: Legends say your moves had me wiggles.
          Seokjin: Thank you.
          
          Hoseok: I've started using ice cream flavors instead of actually curses.
          Yoongi: Did you. Then spew shit at me. Pretend I insulted you.
          Hoseok: What the mint chocolate chip did you just say to me?!
          Hoseok: I'll kick your rocky road and beat the vanilla out of you.
          Yoongi, not looking up, in monotone: Beautiful.

[Rapline being themselves]
          Namjoon: Give me your best pickup line.
          Hoseok, agreeing: Let's have it.
          Yoongi: My dick just died ... so can I bury it in you?
          Hoseok: I think I'd run away if I heard that.
          
          Jimin: Is there a word for scared and angry besides maybe frustrated or worried?
          Jungkook: SCANGRY-
          
          Seokjin: Don't do anything stupid until I come back.
          Taehyung: How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you.

Kidnapper on the phone: We have your one of your hyungs.
          Kidnapper 2: Pay us some money and we'll return him to you.
          Jungkook, on the other end: I have six hyungs, so which one?
          Kidnapper, looking intensely at Seokjin: The handsome one.
          Jungkook: He made you say that to me, didn't he?
          Seokjin, in the background: Bitch-
          Kidnapper 2, tears in eyes: Yes, please take him back, we'll PAY YOU to take him back.
          
          Namjoon: I make coffee so strong that your brain won't function after the third cup.
          Jimin: Pffff, bitch your coffee is WEAK, Yoongi hyung uses Red Bull instead of water.
          Yoongi, grinning evilly: After one cup your start seeing tastes and smelling noises.
          
          Taehyung: Hyung, I got you that flight you wanted.
          Hoseok: Oh thanks, I'll pay you back for the ticket.
          Taehyung, confused as hell: Wait ... ticket?!
          Hoseok: Yeah ... but what did you buy me though?
          Taehyung: ... a plane ... a whole ass fucking plane.

[Sope's grand ass wedding]
          Namjoon: Repeat after me.
          Hoseok: -after me.
          Namjoon, to Yoongi: Are you sure this is the one you want?
          Yoongi, blank faced: Get on with it or I'll rip out your tendons.
          
          Taehyung: You made me cry earlier!
          Jungkook, groaning: Ugh, baby ...
          Taehyung: Now's not the time for pet names!
          Jungkook: No, I'm insulting you right now.
          
          Seokjin, to Jimin: Stop standing so close, you're making me claustrophobic!
          Jimin: What does the word "claustrophobic" even mean?!
          Seokjin, rolling his eyes: It means the fear of Santa Claus.
          Seokjin, in a booming voice: HO HO HO-
          [That night no one slept well.]

[Bangtan Sonyeondan's group chat]
          Jungkook: Isn't it weird that we drink cow milk?
          Jungkook: Why do we drink the milk of another species?
          Jungkook: Just like imagine a rhino sucking on a goat's tit.
          Hoseok: How high are you even to be asking this shit?
          Jungkook: Yes.
          
          [Bangtan Sonyeondan's group chat again]
          Seokjin: WORST FUCKING DAY EVER, SOMEONE BRING THE DAMN SCISSORS.
          Seokjin: LEFT THE HOUSE LIKE THE BEAUTIFUL BARBIE BITCH I AM.
          Seokjin: AND NOW JUNGKOOK'S STUPID CUM IS IN MY HAIR.
          Jimin: It's okay, I've had Yoongi hyung's cum in my hair before.
          Jimin: All you have to do is wash it out and then you'll be fine.
          Seokjin: MOTHERFUCKER I MEANT GUM, BUT NOW I'M GONNA THROW UP.
          Seokjin: YOU TWO ARE BOTH GROUNDED.
          
          [Bangtan Sonyeondan's group chat for the third time]
          Namjoon: Hey, I got straight A's in all my AP subjects!
          Taehyung: WTF, well done.
          Hoseok: Tae, what do you think "WTF" means?
          Taehyung: Well That's Fantastic.

;Namjoon: So it turns out a squirrel would need to fall about 4,800 miles in order to die because that would give it time to starve to death since they can survive terminal velocity.
          Seokjin, with bags under his eyes: Namjoon, I am BEGGING YOU, it is 2:30 in the morning-
          
          Taehyung: My great aunt just passed away LOL.
          Hoseok: Why is that funny?
          Taehyung: It's not funny, Hyung, what do you mean?
          Hoseok: SMH. "LOL" means "laugh out loud."
          Taehyung: OMG I sent that to everyone because I thought it meant "lots of love." I have to call everyone back oh my God.
          
          Jungkook, calling Yoongi: Hey, what's up?
          Yoongi, in a monotone voice: Gas prices.
          Jungkook: I mean like, "What are you doing?"
          Yoongi: Jimin, your hyung, the fifth eldest.
          Jungkook, dropping the phone: EWWWW-