this message may be offensive
*Do not read this if you are sensitive to talk of self harm and suicide! This is serious!*
I think I am bipolar. My dad was, so it is very possible that I am too. I did look up the symptoms and I have most of them. Bipolars experience really high highs and really low lows. At my highest, I am the silly and random person you know. I joke around and everything is good in the world. I try so hard to be likeable. At my lowest... well... it's not great. It's actually really fucking bad. I am NEVER online during this time. Except this time) I am acutely irritable and anxious. I lash out at my family. If I feel rushed, I get aggressive. I have insomnia and can't sleep for hours. If something goes wrong then I break down and cry, and cry even more easily. I get irritated if my mom is just trying to help me, and push her away. And then she gets frustrated which makes things even worse. I neither feel sorrow nor grief if a family member has died or left. If someone or something makes me angry then I try to cut my arms with my fingernails and bite my fingers until they sting. I am never brave enough to use the pocket knife on my dresser. I wallow in self pity then hate myself for it and repeat in my head that I should die. I call myself an asshole, a peice of shit. I imagine slitting my wrists or taking a kitchen knife and stabbing myself over and over. I want to die. I think about swallowing as many pills and medications as possible so that I die before being taken to the hospital. I want to die... but I can't. I just can't. I am trapped here, in a cycle of depression and elation. I don't want to hurt those that love me. Worthless me. I am afraid of what I might do. I am scared of getting brave enough to try. Of the pain before the end. But I want to feel the nothingness. I want it so bad it hurts. I want to fall asleep forever.
