MarieWantsSWAG

Happy New year my love's ❤️

MarieWantsSWAG

this message may be offensive 
Um so hi 
          
          I don't know if anyone's going to read this or if I'm actually going to post it but I need to rant... So yeh
          
          Tw for sh and ed
          
          So I just relapsed. I was 2weeks clean then I did it on Wednesday and again now. I've been stressed about school cause my some of my GCSEs are soon and I've had a shit ton of homework. I'm sick of acting like I'm ok around my friends and family. It's just getting so tiring putting up this act. I joke a lot about sh and stuff to my friends cause it's one way I can cope and I guess I'm waiting for one of them to catch on I'm not joking. I've been starving myself because I hate the way I look and then when I get home and my mum makes me tea I end up over eating and feeling so shit about it. I hate it. I hate the way I look. I hate that i don't have what other people have. I just hate myself and everything and I don't know why. I don't know why I starve myself or cut myself because I have no reason to. Other people have it so much worse than I do and I'm the one braking over nothing while there suffering and still managing to keep it together.
          I grew up with an alcoholic father who would come back at early house and be completely drunk and wouldnt be around a lot, and a younger sister by 1 year so I was never really one to get much attention and now I have another sister (5) who is here and my parents are focused on her which I understand because she's a little kid. I'm 14 I can look after myself and I do have my mum there when I need her and my sister but I still feel alone.

MrsHolland01

@tomhollandlseyebrow I'm still here, text me soon. I want to make sure that your ok
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MrsHolland01

@tomhollandlseyebrow hi, I just read though this and I know we don't really know each other, but I'm here for you if you want to rant. Dm me if you wanna talk.
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MarieWantsSWAG

Reading is usually my escape from all of this but it's just been so hard lately to actually read things. I used to come on this app everyday and read something and now I only go on once a week or so and even that's draining. Everything is rn.
            Getting out of bed, talking to people it's tiring and I'm sick of it. I just want to sleep all the time but even when I do I'm still tired. I'm too tired to even eat so I starve myself. I'm too tired to talk to people so I dont. I've gone weeks in the summer holidays without talking to my friends and non of them ever reached out to make sure I was ok. I went from talking every day to not at all. Then I went back to school I acted if it didn't happen and everything was normal when in reality I had cuts on my thighs and arms and I didn't want to be there. But I put on the act of the friend who makes the jokes and the one that seems to talk a lot but really only starts the conversation and let's other continue it. And even thats an act. It's not the real me. The real me Is goofy and doesn't stop talking when I've started. I only let that side of my out to a few people and then after a few minutes I stop because I realized what I'm doing and that I'm probably annoying them. 
            I only asked one of my friends (Krystal) if I was annoying her because I dont want to lose her she's the only person I actually have and I dont want that to change because I don't know what I'd do. She's one of the main reasons I'm still here cause she's always there if I need her.
            
            Uh so yeh sorry If you actually read this and are confused cause it probably doesn't make sense but I just needed to get everything out and thought this was the best place to do it for some reason.  
            
            
            So bye,
            
            -M.H ❤️
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