Mav/Marvin

So I'm simping to another person
          It's kinda getting out of control

I want to cry before guitar lesson, I don't think it's a hobby anymore 

And my mom is gonna talk to fucking monika about my suspicion about having depression. I hate her, she told my friend's mom that she needs to go to psychiatryk. She's so fake, trying to seem nice. And I didn't made it up because I don't like her, it's literally true, I liked her until I saw how fake she is
          So she's probably gonna tell my mom I'm overreacting or something 
          I hate her

So
          School makes me wanna die more than normally
          Like, literally
          I feel I'm gonna crash out during math or english or polish or chemistry or geography, did I mention math? Oh, and math? With my MATH teacher? That also is my classes like main teacher(wychowawczyni)? And teaches FUCKING MATH? OH, SORRY, SHE DON'T TEACH, SHE IGNORED ME LAST TIME WHEN I DID SOMETHING WRONG AND DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT RIGHT. THIS ONE? WHO CAN'T TEACH AND EXPECT US TO LEARN AT HOME WHEN WE'RE LIKE 7 HOURS AT SCHOOL AND I DRIVE AN HOUR BEFORE AND AFTER SCHOOL. SO I'M NOT HOME SINCE 7 AM TO 4 PM, AND I'M SUPPOSED TO STILL LEARN AT HOME, DURING MY FUCKING FREE TIME? WHEN I'M EXHAUSTED? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FUNCTION, MONIKA? YOU CAN'T TEACH, BUT IT'S FINE THAT I AM STRESSED ALL THE TIME AND PROBABLY HAVE DEPRESSION, BUT IT'S FUCKING FINE, IT'S JUST A PHASE, ANYWAY, LOOK AT THOSE MATH THINGS THAT YOU WON'T NEED EVEN ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!
          I need a fucking break. Like 3 years. Preferably to my 18th birthday 
          Or I'll just skip school
          Any thoughts?

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I wrote my mom how I feel, she said it's okay and that it's not my fault, I'm a terrible child

I inhaled a fucking snowflake, but it's so beautiful now that it was worth it. I don't feel my fingers tho

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I don't want to get better, because I find comfort in it, but it's destroying me, every day, faster and faster, please, help, I have no idea what to do, I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone about it, and "depression day" at school is in a month, so until then I can't force myself to talk to school psycholog, PLEASE HELP I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, IT'S LIKE FUCKING DEPRESSION/EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER AND I NEVER KNOW HOW FAST IT'LL DROP LOWER THAN EVER

 I feel bad and guilty for eating, not eating, sleeping, not sleeping, having my own opinion, not having my own opinion, helping my mom (because I feel it's not enough), not helping, doing my hobbies (because I still have school work to do and can't take care of it), resting BECAUSE I REST ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I'M STILL TIRED OF LIFE, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I'm 15 I shouldn't have any problems more serious than wondering if my crush likes me, or having a bad grade. I should be grateful, but I just don't feel it, I feel guilt. I think I will try to talk to this school psycholog on day when we will be talking about depression. Maybe she/he will tell me what's wrong with me. Or that I'm overreacting and making a victim out of myself. I'm sorry for the monologue