Princess Meg

@Megasparkles2 I'm so sorry. I'm glad that you went to the ER, please get better!

Follow up for earlier. My mom ended up calling the crisis support line, and they told us that I should go to see a doctor, but in the ER. So I did, and they said it was related to dissociation (look it up if you're interested).
          It was really scary, I felt completely out of control and helpless, when I'm naturally longing for control, that's really freaky.

Yeah, I'm not okay. Today was really hard and I just want to go to bed but I can't. Even if I were able to physically get to bed, sleep wouldn't come. I don't feel like a regular human, I feel like I'm some sort of emotionally insane alien. I WANT to be human. I just don't know how, and people are starting to get worried. Earlier today my friend asked me why I wasn't surprised at what they said, and my response was "I don't know how." They proceeded to show me how to act surprised, not really thinking about what I'd said. If they read this they would feel really bad, but they're not at fault. It feels like I'm going through the paces of emotions (except for crying, that's the one genuine thing I feel like doing, except I'm too tired).
          
          I want help, but I don't think there is any.

Last night and today I've been feeling really small and insignificant, and I feel like my personality might be blocking mental growth.

Yeah um, I'm not okay. Today got REALLY hard. I don't know what to do about it. My mom keeps saying tomorrow will be better but I'm not so sure.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like myself. 
          
          I recently started trying to put an image to how I feel, and the best I could come up with so far is that it's like I'm walking a balance beam. At the other end are all the positive emotions and feelings, my friends and people that I enjoy being around. But it feels like I can only get to that end with their help. On either side of me is the empty hollow feeling, and on the other is full on sadness. And right now I've fallen to the empty side.
          
          No one was there to help me to the end of the beam this time, and it's like I'm falling through an endless abyss of emotional nothingness. It feels like no one is ever going to help me across, and that I'm alone and I'll fall over and over again forever. 
          
          No one is probably even reading this, so I probably shouldn't have wasted time typing this. If anyone is actually reading please just respond. You don't know how it feels to repeatedly open up in hopes for help and get only a single response that only I can see.
          
          On the bright side I might not cry myself to sleep tonight. Just because I have very few tears left after the past few days, and I'm not really feeling anything at all right now.

Yesterday was pretty good. Until about 3:30pm, when it came time to take the bus home from school. It was the second day of school, and I'd taken they route about four times in the past year, but all with other people taking charge and leading the way. I paid attention to where I was, but missed the small details. I took the first bus without a hitch, and made it to my second bus stop in about five minutes after getting on the first. But then it hit. I was nervous AF being alone there. I missed the first bus there, and couldn't remember which bus line I needed to get on. After about ten minutes, a pretty creepy guy started lingering around the bus stop staring at me. I was already crying, due to the fact that I was in a stressful situation on top of anxiety and depression that had gotten way worse at home due to school starting. All I wanted to do was go home, and there was no way I felt like I could do that. Ten minutes later three more people had arrived at the bus stop, and no one acknowledged the fact that I was crying. Then a bus arrived, but it was full, and I was told there was another right behind it. It felt like I had already waited an eternity, and I was dehydrated, crying, and sweating due to the 85 or higher Fahrenheit temperature. The bus came five minutes later, and I got on, the only problem being my crying that no one acknowledged. I got to my final and sketchiest but stop, and I thought that I was finally done crying. But I started crying again seconds later. I was acknowledged twice at this stop, but each person only saying one sentence to my before walking away uncomfortably. I finally got to my destination at 4:34, worn out from crying, and feeling like an empty shell. 
          I'm still feeling really depressed, and I have to be around a bunch of people tomorrow who expect me to be someone I'm not.

I've honestly been pretty depressed lately, and I can't really do anything about it at this point. I'm leaving to go camping tomorrow, so we can see the "once in a lifetime total solar eclipse." 
          I don't want to!! I want to stay here and not miss the first day of the theatre camp I'm going to next week. I don't want to go at all. The whole eclipse situation is just stressing me out and making me really anxious. Besides that, I have to go camping. 
          I've talked to my mom multiple times, trying to convince her to not make me go, but she hasn't budged from her stance. I've even told her that it would be better for my mental health if I stayed home, but she hasn't changed her mind.
          I'm an extrovert, and I NEED to see my friends a lot. Probably about 15% of my summer has been spent with people other that my family. And what am I doing tomorrow? Leaving for a trip that will KEEP ME FROM MY FRIENDS. I need to have time away from my family, and I'm not going to have any of that for the next two days.
          
          Anyways, I'm probably just being an overdramatic teenager, but I'm not okay in my brain.

That moment when you feel so unimportant and insignificant you're hugging yourself in the bathroom because no one else in the house is awake or able to help. That's me.

Hi! I'm not okay. This is my last resort so I don't have an emotional breakdown. Anyways, carry on with your life.