Allaychann
Honestly your story and plotline are pretty good, it's just the way that you word it into sentences that kinda throw me off but if you don't mind, maybe I could do an example of how I would write the first chapter and I could send it to you??
If you don't mind that is, I don't want to make you feel anyway I really do like your story, I hope you post more I'm interested and invested now