~Cyanide Tally~

Me and my boyfriend broke up. I want to die. I dont know how to handle this. I just want him.

College has been amazing for me. A lot of stress and stuff, sure lots of bad stuff but it has made my life significantly better. But I still cant stop thinking about doing bad things. Today I've really bee wanting to cut. Idk.

Hello. I am upset. But what's new right lol. My body does this thing where if someone else is upset, it refuses to let me show that I'm upset and hides it as much as possible. My best friend gets upset quicker than I do in most situations, usually to the point of who we're with seeing that and trying to help her. That's good. Except usually things that upset her, will upset me too. But by the point it gets bad enough that I would usually show it, she already is, and I cant. Therefor, I almost never get help or comfort and watch as others comfort her, and try to help to comfort her. So that's fun. Also, tonight, some shit went down and we both got really upset. That happened. People comforted her. I got to the point where even then I showed it a bit. Someone we were with checked up on me and saw that, and they tried to help. They ended up being interrupted pretty soon so couldn't do much, but they did help, and I'm kicking myself because they could have helped more. But they didn't because I wouldn't let them. I wouldn't tell them why i was upset, I just kept saying that i wasn't upset and that I was fine, even though I was shaking and I know that he already knew that I wasn't okay. My body wouldn't let me tell him why I was upset and talk to him about it, which I know would have helped me more. And now that chance has passed and I'm left to deal with this alone and I'm so fucking pissed that I couldn't accept help, that I never can in these situations. And also, right now two of my friends are suicidal and I'm not with them and not currently in contact with them. While I also really want to hurt myself. So yeah that's fun :)

So an internet freiend tried to kill himself and they dont know if hes going to be okay and idk what to do. His sister messaged me, he left me a note. I dont understand why he didnt talk to me. He always talks to me when he feels like that or if hes considering doing something. I dont understand. I should have known something was wrong, i should have done something.

im trying to stop hurting myself as much. Idk if itll be forever, it probably wont. But its been a month so far and its so fucking hard. Tonight has been the worst ive had since i decided to stop, and idk if ill make it through. And i think the only person helping me went to bed.

You know i just kind of want to die 24/7 right now like not necessarily kill myself like people would think like I don't think I want to hang myself or jump off a bridge right now but I kind of want to just like slowly fade away which I'm kind of already doing anyway but I wish I could just like keep going down this road and start cutting people off so no one would get hurt eventually I'd probably jump off a bridge I think but possibly hanging.

Forever, forever and ever and never.
          Never is what it was and never is what you should have said, with all these feelings you've caused I'd be better off dead.
          Dead dead dead, the word keeps running through my head. Ideas and thoughts I really shouldn't maintain, demons and monsters injecting them into my brain.
          You said you'd never leave, you fucking liar. Yet I guess I am too, I said I'd be okay but that's gone down in fire. My life feels like it's unraveling, everything coming undone yet nothing changing. Everything is Good, I should be happy, yet you left and everything feels crappy.

Tonight I washed my face for the first time in months. Tonight I brushed my teeth for the first time in a week. Tonight I told a close friend that I'm depressed, and I know he will be able to help me with it in the future. It's been some of the worst months and days for me in a while, but I'm trying to get back on track. Tomorrow I'm going to re-dye by hair. I hope to get my life and physical health back in order soon, and hopefully deal with my shitty mental health a bit better. This is my attempt to get back to my life after she left. I hope it works.

When I ask my friend not to go places with people at 3am because I dont trust the person who will be driving, why doesn't she understand that it's because I care about her? She says I'm trying to control her and tell her what to do. All I asked was that she considered not going. Am I really A bad friend for that?

My friend is sleeping over. My other friend texted me saying he wanted to kill himself. After texting for a bit i decided it was best to call him, so i left my other friend alone to talk to him because i didn't know if he'd feel comfortable with her hearing our conversation. After i made sure he wouldn't kill himself and i talked to him until he went to sleep, i came back to my friend. She was really upset that i left her and i understand so I tried to explain that he was really upset and needed to talk to me and he needed me and stuff, and she was still upset with me and said how i should've told her to just go home if i was going to ignore her the whole time, even though it was ony about an hour and i tried to make her understand that he needed me. Ugh idk i just now on top of the horrible feeling it is to have to calmly convince someone you care about to not kill themself, i also feel like a terrible friend and idk ugh i just hate tonight :(