Mirrored Thoughts

Genuinely a good read. 
          https://my.w.tt/POLvfleeUbb

I haven’t updated in a while, but honestly I cba right now. Still might try my best for some chapters later tho. Writers block is a b!t(h

Is archives broken for everyone or just me? I lost all 108 books I’ve archived and now cant find em if I feel like rereading em. 

I know negativity has very bad impacts on our lives but I just fucking cant get away from it. Everyone I know is just a walking ball of fucking negative energy and its to a point where im so goddamn tired of playing this fake ass positive game that WILL NEVER WORK because Im the only one. 
          
          I hate this place, I hate how one track minded people are. How dead it is out here, how depressed everyone is. I just need to get out but I cant. 
          
          Even on my trip to London I was surrounded by negative. If I wouldn’t have found the people I did I wouldn’t have ever gotten out of bed. 
          
          My life isn’t bad. Im not privileged, but I’m not dying of starvation or getting abused. 
          
          Its just everyone around me is so negative and have no hopes for anything other than sex, passing school, and getting likes on social media. I have no one to believe in me, no one to believe in. 
          
          I have so many things I NEED TO FUCKING DO with my life but I just cant. All my motivation was sucked out of me when people stopped believing in me, making me second guess everything. 
          
          And now I struggle even updating my own book. 
          
          I know im only 16 but when you live in such a deadbeat dump ass one minded place like fucking Utah, everything feels hopeless. 
          
          

If im being negative I apologize. Just never thought I would start to lose the one person who promised me I wouldn’t. And after two years I was starting to have faith. 
          
          Fuck that

Its weird feeling content and okay for once. 

I rlly need to stop with these sad ass posts but I’m too scared to talk to people directly thanks to my insecurities, so this is the best I can do. Im sorry if I annoy you, I just have no other way without feeling like I’m irritating the fuck out of the people I love, and since I lost one one of them once I don’t wanna lose em again.

Why does it feel like I always royally fuck everything up? Anyone else just get a random attack of worthlessness all the sudden? 

Im too insecure to deal with this

I want to break down, scream cry punch something, but I refuse to let my mom take the fucking piss outa me for it so im just gonna push everything down until im numb.
          
          If I fail the test, its just my trip to NewYork to see Dear Evan Hansen on the line. And countless hours of my dad yelling at me awaiting my name.
          
          I mean who even fucking cares right? No one around this place would give two flying shits anyways, they all fucking hate me!