👻

I found another half alive fan ayyyy

It shocks me to see people use this app still. I still remember when I got a lot of attention from my Luke hemmings fanfic when I was in 5th grade... but now I'm 16 and there's nothing exciting here anymore. 

Anyone wanna go mask shopping? Mask as in the creepy animal shit. 

I've had enough of being treated like shit by the people I love. 

The other day I found myself screaming to my two closest friends after doing something I would soon regret "I just butt fucked myself."
          
          friend (g): wow you just fucked yourself over
          Me: YEP, I JUST STRAIGHT UP BUTT FUCKED MYSELF.
          I BENT OVER AND FUCKED MY OWN BUTT.
          
          My reputation is ruined. Not like it was good before or anything. That's not the worst thing I've done... ;v; 

Valentine's alone this year feels frickn good. I'm gonna be a big old hoe. Like everyday. A thicc flirtatious bitch. A big ol heartbreaker. 
          
          Take to me and you're flirting with death tbh, cause I'm stupid and won't realize I'm giving mixed signals, then I crush your heart with my lack of love.
          
          No wonder I'm unlovable as myself. 
          It's all in the hips. 
          
          

It really takes taking off my shirt and dancing in my bedroom while in a pair of shorts to my favourite music to make me realize this is why I'm still living. 
          
          I'm so sad and I don't even realize it. I just do things to keep my mind off it without even realizing I'm avoiding the problems.
          
          And once realization sinks in, it's like I'm floating. 
          
          Eyeliner is covering my body in scribbles and I'm dancing with no clothes on while losing my mind and cleaning my room. My hair is a mess so is my head.
          
          Then once it's over, I hop in the shower.
          
          And suddenly I forget why I ruined another eyeliner stick. "Why'd I do that?"
          
          With crazy written on my chest and my past trend all over my face, little to no evidence on my private not so private instagram story, and hidden in my camera roll.
          
          I fucking hate snow days.
          
          
          
          Don't know wtf that was. Oopsie!

Sometimes I want so badly to be in love with someone. But then I remember how bad I am at love, how I always ruin it, and how I want love to be. But it would never be that way.
          
          I write about my ideal love life, two souls, not me, never me, but their love is so perfect. They fight, they are best friends, they are so hopelessly in love, it's like a life long partner.
          
          I feel like I've been in love before. But I couldn't take it, it was too much. I break hearts, and ruin souls. I've done that forever. 
          
          I've had my heart broken too. It's still broken, but I'm okay. 
          
          For now, I'll be in love with what I write until that person shows. 

I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Like literally losing my mind. It's hard to explain.
          So I won't.

Here's a vent.
          
           I will probably never amount to anything because of my crippling anxiety. I won't get a job, I won't leave my house, I won't go anywhere without someone else, I won't make it to college, and I probably will be homeless and poor my whole life. Or maybe I'll live in my parents house making art and crying myself into insanity. 
          
          I'm just so scared. I don't know want to do?
          
          I've been so sheltered and because I'm the oldest I was the first try. And my brother will have it so much easier than me because I suffered and now my parents knows how to deal with all the problems. 
          
          I just want to be a normal kid. All my friends are getting jobs and making money, getting what they want, and here I am. Poor, depressed, and terrified to wake up in the morning. 
          
          I'm in constant pain, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Why can't life be easy? Why do we have to surround ourselves with money? Why does being alive cost so much???? 
          
          It makes no sense and it's sad really. Plus Trump and shit. 
          
          Life has been pretty bad and I really don't know when it will get better. That's just one part of the shit I'm dealing with right now.
          
          Sorry for being narcissistic. I usually don't talk about my life and problems cause no one's cares or they are having problems of their own. But I really just need to get shit out.