Ulian

Pt 6
          
          The next week I came back to school.
          
          I managed to pick up the courage to tell server leader and best friend what I did, and yk what…
          
          They laughed.
          
          Not in my face, because they’re not complete a-holes, but still laughed. I gave them their letters because I felt like they needed them, or at least I didn’t want them anymore.
          
          I try to understand their side of it all the time, and I understand server leaders a lot more than I do best friends. Why? Because server leader was just being a neutral party. Even if I didn’t feel like she cared abt my feelings, she wasn’t actively participating in any harassment or anything other than not giving me support. That is why she gets all the apologies in the world. 
          
          Best friends? Idk. You can tell me if you see her side because all I can see is her getting mad and blowing up and never taking accountability.
          
          Then, other friend decides to come to me halfway through class and give me a therapy session or something. Nobody is on my side in this and I can’t see why. I just can’t. Because other friend keeps saying the classroom is tense because of it (we have same class with best friend) and do I really have anything more to say and do? No. I don’t believe so. I’ve said what I needed and wanted to say. If best friend wants it to stop being tense, it’s up to her. 
          
          It’s immaturity and egotistical behavior at its finest I believe. 
          
          Like I’ve said, I don’t think I handled the situation in the best of ways, but that in no way means that I should be broken down to the point of no return. 

Disclaimer: this part does talk about thoughts and actions of “logging out”, so be warned
          
          Pt 5
          
          After the argument was over, I was basically a wreck. In my head, I wanted to drill back at her, to show her how much she and server leader had hurt me, to hurt them back. Not physically. 
          
          This is why I give this advice: when you’re THAT upset, never be alone. Don’t let yourself be alone. Because you’ll get consumed by your thoughts and do something you can’t take back. Ever.
          
          When I went to go to bed, I wrote out letters to everyone I held dear, including server leader and best friend. Server leader’s letter was just another apology that said that I shouldn’t have tried to pull her down with me for not wanting to stand up for me or to help me. Best friend’s letter was NOT an apology. It was one that said that I loved her more than a friend, that I trusted her, and that she broke every ounce of love and trust I had. That I hoped she got whatever “love” she wanted, because turns out she wants to be in a relationship yet when she gets in one wants to leave it immediately? Funny. 
          
          I set my notebook aside, my own letter to myself laid out. It explained that Im a sensitive person, and that I’m sorry I let myself get this far into depression.
          
          I’m not going to go into details on what I did, but I did go to sleep.
          
          And I woke up. 
          
          I woke up alive and okay, as if someone refused to let me go. That’s how I like to put it. 
          
          I went downstairs like nothing happened, didn’t eat breakfast, and stared at my hands as they shook. I actually tried, and I was fine. It made me want to vomit. That I actually almost did that to my family, to my remaining friends, to my pets. I don’t think I’ll forgive myself for that.

Pt 4
          
          In our argument, best friend was mad that I wasn’t being honest with her.
          
          Which, I was. The problem was that I had told other friend #3, whereas I told best friend #1, so ofc I’d be coming across as lying. 
          
          So throughout the argument, I was defending myself and explaining that:
          
          “I hold onto grudges longer than I should”
          “I take things to heart”
          “I don’t want to blow up at people so I prefer to tell them right then and there”
          
          And she called it all riddles. 
          Riddles.
          
          Sigh. 
          
          The argument ended with me apologizing to best friend for “not being honest”, even though I was. I was just put through the mud and was too tired to even deny it anymore. Apparently you can’t have multiple reasons for not doing something?
          
          She said that if I text her again I’d be blocked for the night, and so we haven’t spoken ever since. Bummer, huh? Nah. Not really. 
          
          TMI for next pt tho

          
          I later asked best friend if she was mad at me, which she said “no?”
          
          Later on that day the other friend had asked best friend and I if we wanted to hang out. Now, there were a lot of reasons why I couldn’t or didn’t want to go.
          
          1. I was going somewhere with my mom already
          2. I didn’t like boba (which is where they wanted to go)
          3. Didn’t want to be around best friend
          
          My mistake, truly, for telling other friend that I didn’t want to go because of #3 instead of any of the other ones because she tells best friend why I didn’t want to come along.
          
          I don’t exactly hold it against her, because she explained to me that best friend had started to tell other friend how server leader and I had an argument. Which, why tf are you talking about it to an outsider? That’s just drama. Best friend is just making drama out of a silly thing, blowing it out of proportion. 
          
          Anyway, she decides to go to me, and this is her first message to me out of the blue:
          
          “Are you going to let this little spat ruin all your relationships?” 
          
          …
          …
          Haha.
          Hahaha.
          HAHAAHAHAHAH.
          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Pt2
          
          I expressed how I was feeling to server leader the next day, specifically how she was making me feel. In return, she said I was attacking her.
          
          Now, I will never say that I handled the situation in the best way, which is why I did apologize to server leader about how I didn’t express myself properly. However, I made sure to let her know that I shouldn’t have to apologize for how she was making me feel. 
          
          Turns out, this isn’t just a two sided thing it’s a gang up? Because I get back to school and server leader + her best friend (who is also a close friend of mine) completely ignores me and is passive aggressive towards me while talking to server leader. You may say it’s in my head, which could very well be the case, but I knew the moment this happened, some of it wasn’t:
          
          “Who are you going to go trick or treating with?” -Server leader
          “…” *makes gesture towards me* “and (other friend).” -best friend
          
          Now tell me… why tf would there be any reason to not even say my name EVEN if server leader and I aren’t having the best of times??? What kind of drama are you trying to start? There’s no reason- sorry. 

So, uh, so sorry I haven’t even been active on posting at least my status.
          
          Life’s been going to sh*t, to put a-bluntly.
          
          In short terms, I lost most of my friends in a span of a week because of one miscommunication.
          
          There’s this guy in our friend group who started using me as a headboard for his jokes. I told him to stop, he didn’t, and so I basically told him to F off and left that server entirely. After a while I joined back thinking things would have died down but apparently immaturity lives strong in this one lol because as soon as I join back he starts to try and get a rile out of me. Now, the terms I had to join back were to not argue with him while in the server, terms set by my friend who is the owner. I agreed obviously because once again I thought things would have died down. Since they didn’t I went to my friend, the server leader, and explained that I didn’t appreciate being harassed and she spoke to him. Didn’t help at all.
          
          Now, I was willing to put up with his BS because I enjoyed being with those friends minus him. However, as time went on and the harassment continued, I realized that nobody actually cared. Especially one of my closer friends, the server leader. She had told me she didn’t want to hear about the situation, which I had respected for a good chunk of time. But then it hit me that, as I said, nobody cared. I would express to my friends that I wouldn’t want to join the call because he’d be in it, and they’d ignore me and say “just ignore him” while he obviously said “the only reason I’m nice to her is because (server leader) doesn’t want to hear her BS”. 
          
          P1

https://www.wattpad.com/story/376498103?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&wp_page=library&wp_uname=Cool05guy2000

Bruhhh currently working on new chapter of Tidal waves while also monitoring my yt channel, ao3, twitch, etc. It's great! So expect the new chapter to be coming SOON but not... so soon. But DO expect some cute romance!
          
          Yt: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG_iBRozzyJ07-Rv8Bmsndw
          Ao3: Uli_Ulian
          Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/ulibee_

So Ik I haven’t posted in months, again, but here’s a life update:
          
          Almost lost all my friends due to something I wasn’t apart of.
          Found out one of my friends was making fun of me behind my back because I felt disrespected by said friend/s.
          Left that group for a month, found out that everyone thought I was rude for standing up for myself
          Came back to that group only to be called a “tantrum having head ass” by the friend who made fun of me
          Cried myself to sleep because some of my closer friends decided to joke about when I stood up for myself while I was in the call. 
          
          So yeah. Lots of drama. And everyone keeps telling me to stay friends with these people because they don’t mean to hurt me. That’s the fucking problem. I know they don’t want to hurt me, but they do. And when I spoke out about it (multiple times) I got made fun of and undermined. 

Got a new puppy, so may be another few months before I release more content. I will be on this app, however, so if you have requests or want to dm, feel free