Muni_34902

@Muni_34902 <3

@KaikiW Np! Im glad to introduce you to my new obsession these past few days :D

@Muni_34902 I've never heard of it, but I'll look it up before I read your story! Thank you for telling me!

Good luck!! I hope you heal quickly (^o^)

@Muni_34902 GIRL NO... but good job so proud of you 
            i'll be in pain tomorrow cause I have a dentist appointment, pray for me. 

Thank you, Ms. Muni . I'm just glad you responded (I had a whole entire war with myself whether to ask you or no, but I'm glad I did) I'm going to redo the fanfic and fix the parts you said to fix. I'm also going to try to work on my English so it can be better. (Also, I didn't think it was a bit critical  it was just the thing I needed to get better )

4. add descriptive layers
            I think this'll answer your first question since this is how I think I show off my writing style. Add a couple of more words after (and maybe before) an action or thought. Like my example above, I could have just left it as "I bit my cheek as I thought "oh please, like how you didn't mess up your marriage?" But I'd get punished when we go back home" 
            
            It's simple, yes, but boring. Adding a couple of words help the immersion. Like in Killua's paragraph in his second pov of chapter 1 you 
            pointed out the eyes but didn't divulge deeper into the meaning other than the fact that they look like the night sky. You could have said:
            
            "As the blue haired girl walked closer, I gotten a closer look at her eyes. Deep blue like the night sky and stars that were projected onto it. But that was the thing, the stars were projected. Like a facade that became real.
            We stared at each other as our parents talked. The long I looked, the more tranced and uncomfortable I felt"
            
            (Bonus points if you can showcase how Killua feels about eyes)
            
            Side note: check your grammar. Some sentences are run on and could use a period or two. (Literally everyone has this problem so no biggy ^.^)
            
            Sorry if this reply is long and maybe a bit critical, but I hope this helps!

3. Emotional depth
            This kinda goes with telling not showing, but you're not explaining enough emotionally. IK you said that she learned to control her emotions but having her follow her family's every command without so much of a snappy response will read as monotone and boring. 
            
            Like during chap 1 you said "I know not to mess up" I say in my head because talking back to my mother wasn't an option." Tsuki could have snapped back with mentally saying: "I bit my cheek, careful to not draw any blood or any sound. A devious temptation hung above my head in the form of a few words, "oh please, like how you didn't mess up your marriage?" But I couldn't say that, or else I'd get whipped once more when we get back home."