NajeDazi

My mom [while toughing my face?]: oh my gosh, you have a hole in your forehead (refering to a small slope inwards )
          Me: You say that as if you still had the receipt

Has anyone else ever had that feeling where things where things are okay and not at the same time?
          I'm listening to music right now, and the tone of it and lyrics are just so soothing. Like being wrapped in a nice warm hug and being told that everything is alright, and everything is alright, but for some reason it all feels fake.

Without their uniforms I sometimes forget that Yashiro is older than Kou, and Aoi Akane (the guy) is the same age is Yashiro, since Yashiro looks a lot smaller without her uniform and Aoi looks taller when he wears regular clothes,

Last night, I had an awesome dream. I was part of the Moon Demon Company's Vampire Extermination unit, and was battling Four Horsemen of John along with Yu, Shinoa, and the squad. I wasn't allowed to use a weapon, so I was just tagging along and, honestly, was being a bit of a burden on the team. Near he end of it, I ended up grabbing a Katana that someone had dropped and decided to join the team, only to find out, that as much as I love sharp objects and weapons, I don't actually know how to use one. I woke up so happy because of the fact that I had been wearing the uniform, and had even gotten to use a Katana. No less than 1 hour later, my brain goes: "You know, the fact that you were allowed to use a melee weapon does not make you any less use less". I am thankful for the dream and the time after in which I got to enjoy thinking of it, but, gods do I wish that time could have lasted a little bit longer.

Sometimes when I get depressed I crochet obsessively. Sometimes the idea of being somewhat "productive" makes me feel better, but what really makes me feel good is the thought of the faces of the people I will give my creations to. The thought of my friend who is going through some sh*t and receiving a cute flower critter for her birthday, it isn't much but it might make her feel a little better. Or the thought of my little niece who is still in the age where she thinks of everything she is given to be a treasure, the way her face will light up when I present to her all of the stuffed critters I have made for her and her brother. These thoughts make me feel like whatever is going on in my head is not as bad as it could be.

Positive things about 2021:
          -I made crochet bunny with a red hoodie and
          -A crochet sunflower which is honestly kind of cute
          -I have only been depressed for 11 days this year out of which I have contemplated the idea of self delete only 4 times.

I was today years old when I learned what the phrase "Push her buttons" implies, and why it made Larxene freak out so much when Roxas asked her about it in the Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days manga. All thanks to a Cinama Sins video on the Trolls 2 movie.

Does anyone else ever feel like there is some sort of unjustified weight in your chest? Like the "I'm not totally depressed, but I'm not entirely okay, I feel like I live in the 'Other Mother''s world where although somethings feel real, everything is actually fake" sort of way. Idk.

Sometimes I feel lonely.
          It's not the sort of lonely you feel when you feel like there isn't anyone who is physically there for you, it's more of the type of lonely where you suddenly realize that there isn't anyone there for you and that is the way it was meant to and always will be. My best friend was telling me about how their mom was making him spend more time with his sister so they would have more bonding moments to unite them when they got older, I felt both happy and jealous. I was happy, thinking he would at least have a pillar to lean on in case he ever needed it, jealous because I knew I would never have such a thing. I have people around me, but they'll all be gone someday. My parents wont be with me the way things are going, my cousins will separate and form their own families some day, and so will my friends. They'll all go off on their own paths, and that's the way its suppose to be. I'll be left alone.

Me: I want to die
          Also me: If I commit self-delete I can't be a regalia