lex

As an adult diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and ADHD, functioning like a normal human being is really really difficult. 
          
          I have good days and bad days. In the good days, I manage to do all of my chores along with a month's worth of meal prep, grocery shopping planning and finishing up work that's way way ahead of my schedule. I can draft 200 page reports in less than 10 hours.
          
          On the bad days, I can't move. I can't drink water. I can't pee. I can't breathe.
          
          And on the really bad days, I have suicidal thoughts.....self harm spirals.....
          
          Today was an okay day. But it's night time here and the euphoria of the okay day is wearing off and it's turning into one of the worst nights I've had in a while.

Adulting is really hard. 

Hiii bmf?

I don't know anything else I can do except sit and desperately pray that Ukraine stays strong!
          
          This is a despicable act of war and an atrocity and my heart goes out to everyone in Ukraine, struggling to protect themselves, their family, their freedom, and their love for their country.
           #StandwithUkraine
          

HELLOOOOO! How are you? Hope you're fine ( ◜‿◝ )

Panic attacks can last more yhan 30 min. More than an hour. They can also come in waves.
          
          If uou are struggling with longer panic attacks, then make sure you're around someone ans teach them how to help and ground you beforehand. It helps. Take care, loves♥️

What does it feel like to celebrate one of your favourite people's birthday?
          
          And how gratifying it feels to pour in that love into the food you make, only for it to end with people telling you - I wish I had three stomachs so I could just keep eating or I can't eat anything else anywhere because your food is so good. 
          
          I think I'm realising the importance of celebration and love. I never thought thinking about people would give me so much happiness. 
          
          
          Thank you, for bringing sparkles to my life.
          
          
          (P.S. NOPE. Not a date. Still single af)

PART 7 COFFEE AND CONVERSATIONS
          
          I suppose the rest of the day was bleary and uneventful because I don't remember anything. All I remember was that a few minutes ago, I felt the bed dip and I felt someone slip underneath my blankets and slither his hand around my waist to pull me close. 
          
          My back was plush against his front and I didn't have the mental capacity to distinguish which of my soulmates were wasting their precious time in trying to comfort someone who will never heal - someone who won't ever be able to become someone they wished their final soulmate could be like. The thought made me nauseous and I tried to wriggle out of his grasp.
          
          His grip loosened and I moved away, breathing heavily, gasping for air and slowly tried to regulate my breathing.
          
          Mustering the courage and pulling every ounce of energy I could possibly summon, I turn to face Jin. 
          He blinks a few times before he gives me a warm smile- 'I'm not sure if you remember anything because you seemed really out of it today'.
          
          I simply nod. He takes it as his cue to continue. 'You seemed lost in your thoughts so you just went along with whatever we did. We left the coffee shop and Jungkook guided you to the car. Yoongi drove us back, he's gone to the studio by the way- said he had something to bring back from there...anyway. Tae carried you from the car to your room and Tae and Hobi tucked you in....Jimin stayed for a while too but it didn't seem like you were going to come back to us anytime soon, so he just laid next to you, holding your hand. They got called to practice- the younger ones. It's just me, Joon and Hobi at home'

Part 6 COFFEE AND CONVERSATIONS
          
          To be frank, at that moment, I couldn't think of anything else. I was drowning and the affection was suffocating me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't move. Joon's arm around my body felt like dead weight and Hobi's back rubs felt like daggers stabbing me from behind. 
          
          To top it off, we were in a public place and no matter how hard I wanted to scream, I couldn't. I wouldn't scream. I felt humiliated. Embarrassed. And I would embarrass them too. As it is, it's uncommon for an 8 member soulmate group to hang out like this. 8 member bonds were rare. And the fact that 7 of them were world famous idols and members of the same boy band, didn't help. 
          
          I felt awful. It was very clear that we were leagues apart. It was also clear that I didn't deserve them and they definitely, most certainly could find someone better than me. It wasn't even about finding someone else. I had this gnawing feeling that they deserve someone better. Someone more capable. Someone more beautiful and someone who had a similar background- someone wealthy, someone who came from a respectable and powerful family...not me - this sad pathetic excuse for a human being. 
          
          I didn't realize that by the time I tried to claw my way of another downward self pity party kind of spiral, I had not only been ushered to the car, but the heater had been turned on and I now sat in between Jungkook and Jin. 
          
          

For fuck's sake!! Oh my god!!
          
          Don't fucking hit children!!! What the hell is wrong with people? There is nothing cool about hitting your child with a belt or a stick or a slipper!! It's traumatizing for them! 
          
          And to have the audacity to talk about how leaving belt scars will remind them to be obedient?? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??