Hi @Nerdy_Turtle
This excerpt is captivating! Your writing style is vibrant, the blend of Hindi/English is authentic and rich, and the chemistry between Sehar and Ayaan is electric right from the first meeting. I am hooked and immediately want to read more!
Here are a few quick thoughts on where the story shines and a couple of areas for refinement:
Vibrant Voice: Sehar's internal monologue is witty, relatable, and authentic. Her struggle between patience and exasperation is the perfect hook.
Strong Conflict: Ayaan is introduced brilliantly as a force of nature a "toofan" with a memorable, flirty dialogue that creates instant tension.
Sensory Detail: The description of Ayaan's "vanilla sandalwood odour" and his "gravelly voice" beautifully elevates the romantic tension.
Suggestions for Improvement
Tighten Internal Monologue: The section where Sehar is analyzing Ayaan's physique and his stare feels a bit long and slows the pace after the staircase incident. Trimming this will keep the high-tension conversation moving quickly.
Show, Don't Tell: In the final section, try to show the disruption and chaos Ayaan represents through his subtle actions and Sehar's physical reactions, rather than telling us what his eyes promise ("threaten havoc").
Minor Edits: Check for consistency in verb tense (e.g., grab vs. grabbed) and standardized punctuation around dialogue tags.
Overall, this is a very strong foundation. The character dynamics are fantastic! Keep up the great work!
