Crys

I tried to unalive myself twice in the span of two years. But now? Truthfully I think I'm fine. In fact, maybe I've grown a bit from that but even so, the awkwardness of me trying tomsocialize with my new classmates impacted me and the vast gap between us grows during pairworks, where I will be lost. I don't want to be a freeloader but I need clear instructions as well but how do I initiate the conversation for the inquiry without having them to judge me?
          
          This app, this community, it used to be my safe haven. But now, it is another page lost in my past where ashes, soot and ember is around. I have plans, but I can't guarantee if I will unpublished it later on due to the unsatisfactory of myself, where I will be having urges to edit or recreate the chapters I have created. 
          
          I wanted to grow, I wanted to start anew, but I can't do this alone. 
          For those who knew me before, thank you for the memories. 
          
          
          -MeaJelsa01, 8th June 2022, 4:03 am. 
          

Am I sick? Maybe, maybe not. Do I need help? Not sure about that either. But in high-school, I did not lost my passion to write alone, I lost the part of me that was burning with passion to do whatever she likes, to hell with other people's opinion. Feisty one, isn't she? Instead of using writing as a therapy, I was under immense pressure to even complete the draft for my final year project. Initially it was planned to be published, but I chickened out after I finished my Diploma. 
          
          I used to think of Wattpad as my safe haven but now, even when I am itching to start a new fanfiction (despite the disastrous, cringe ff I wrote when I was 12) I can't silence the noises, the thoughts of negativity, the criticism that I will face later. If its a good critics, I will accept it but a part of me will not be satisfied by it.
          
          "How can I be better?" "Should I cater to my reader's tastes?" But then, I am doing this for myself, not for others? Then before I knew it, it will be another drawback as I retreat from society. I don't have much friends, you see. Only a handful and even so I can't help but to think of myself as a burden. 
          
          -cont

Hello all. Sorry for the desertion I've done for... years? I've been here since ... 2015/2014, hecc, even longer than that. I was here since I was a child who barely learning about the world, meeting fellow authors, some of them became person that forever I inspires to be. Others like me who joined this community has grown splendidly, and sometimes when I went down to the bookstores I noticed familiar names and I feel proud. Recently, I was reading manhwa and saw aseries thatsused to read (still love the story until today they just never got to finish it. Sadge) And I realised how lucky I was to be in this community back then. 
          
          But then, stuffs happened. I have learned how easy it is to burn bridges down than mending relationships. I hurt myself, and I lost sight of myself. I used to think that writing is my passion but as I grow up, I realised how wrong I am. I'm easily swayed by emotions or anything that can affects me either directly or indirectly.  
          
          I am a pessimist,  which means the mere thought of having people to read my writings will open the gate of numerous negative thoughts. I wonder if people likes it or is it too much? Then for my final year project I chose to write. It wasn't a smooth sailing journey at all, and usually criticism helps you to grow, right? Not me. The final straw of my conscience to hang on, gone. Poof. I believe I have no talent (don't say I do have it, I unpublished every book I wrote be it in this acc and delete a hecc ton of unpublished drafts as well in my secondary acc which I created as an escape). It is easier for me to run than facing whatever it is that will come in my way. 
          
          -cont
          
          
          

I missed how vibrant my old me sounded.

Thank you for following me!!!! :)

Hi! Thanks for reading and voting on Shadow Weaver & adding it to your library! Hope you enjoy the rest of Mirra's story :)

Okay...so tomorrow I'll be off to my school. So goodbye! Please comment on my stories and vote! Sorry for any flaws because I'm only 14! Truthfully! And let's hope that I'll be back on Friday. 
          
          Any comment on my writing or any encourages, please PM me or you can just comment. 
          I thank my lucky star and my readers that still loyal to my books and bear my tempers!! hohoho!!!
          
          @meajelsa01

Happy one year anniversary for me!!! 
          
          P/s; My phone broke down and my birthday is five days away! Can't wait!

♥