Sky

I wanted to say that I am extremely sorry that I haven’t posted in awhile. I’m still trying to deal with my mental health stuff, I’ve had some writers block, and my mom is all up on my ass about college. Not to mention the fact that I have learned that my computer now has a virus, so I am VERY sorry if I won’t be posting in awhile. I’m posting this from my iPad but it’s not the most convenient thing. Again I’m very sorry but I wanted to let everyone know that I haven’t stopped writing, and I have been jotting down ideas on google docs. Hope to be writing soon!

Hello

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2023!!! If you had a rough 2022, I hope this year is 100x better!

Hello how are you 

Ever since my surgery I don't eat I don't sleep I just stare blankly into space. I don't know what's wrong with me.
          
          Catch up on life: Not this previous Friday but the Friday before that I was sleeping and all of a sudden my heart rate dropped severally in the middle of the night.  The last thing I remember is my Dad yelling for the nurse and three rushing in, then I passed out. When I woke up Sunday my parents told me that my heart rate dropped severally at a fast pace and that this breast bone damage was affecting my heart greatly. Once the doctors got my heart rate steady they apparently took me into intimidate surgery. I hadn't woken up in a day and the doctors were afraid that I would go into a coma, so they had everyone that came into the room talk to me constantly, especially my family. I woke up Sunday afternoon not remembering anything and having bad side pain and chest pain. Monday I had another panic attack. I was sleeping and it came out of nowhere. I shot up from my bed and felt like I couldn't breathe. Friday I then started rehab. And lemme tell you, rehab is complete hell. It is miserable. I never realized how weak my body was until now though.
          
          So that was a catch up. My body aches, my mental health is shooting through the roof, assignments for school keep piling up, and on top of all of that I just feel like shit. No other way to put how I feel. So yea.

Also on another note, my body is the weakest it have EVER been. It's even hard to type right now (but ofc I'm still going to do it, lol) The doctor said that I can't have the surgery until my cracked rib has healed a little bit more, but my body is KILLING me! I'm so sore, and I just want to get out of this place. Yes, I have a lot of my stuff around the room but it just isn't home. And at home I felt secure, here I feel very insecure about everything. I HATE the doctors examining my body all the time. It's just so uncomfortable, and I get very self conscious. I have been in the hospital before, for my lungs. They had something wrong with them (I can't even remember what had happened, I was like five) But this is SO much worse. This hospital is just driving me insane! I feel trapped in these walls, like I can't get out. Some of my friends didn't know my birth gender, and when they came to visit me they found out. They weren't upset at all, but it's not how I wanted them to find out. So now they know, and they said they'll always be there for me if I need to talk, but I feel like I'm going threw this alone. I feel like I'm going threw everything alone right now. Nobody understands my gender problems. Nobody understands my health issues, mental and physical. 
          
          I just want the world to stop. I want it to be put on pause. When I'm in this place all day everyday it's like the world hasn't changed at all, and yet life keeps going on. Like Queen Elizabeth II died?! I didn't even find that out until the 11th, it's like I'm living in the old ages were I don't know anything that's happening around the world, lol.
          
          Sorry if that was long, I just needed to rant.

Sooo, I may have had another panic attack....
          I may have thought I was dying...
          I may have threw the IV machine on the ground...
          I may have pressed the emergency button on the hospital bed so many times it doesn't work now...
          I may have screamed bloody murder...
          
          Sooo, it turns out that when I have panic attacks, they are not like how normal people get them. I go crazy,and get mad, but also think I'm dying in the process. I'm pretty sure the nurses definitely don't like me now (lol). I had to have a LONG talk with my therapist.

So my surgery is now delayed, it got scheduled for Tuesday but is now postponed. I have this jabbing pain in my side now that just won't go away. It is worse than what happened with my breast bone. I can't even cough or sneeze without it feeling like I can't breathe. The doctor came in about 30 minutes ago and said I have a cracked rib. The doctors asked me if I know what I could have done to cause this, and I said I have no clue. I lied straight to a doctors face. I lied straight to me family's faces. I don't know how long I can keep this up. But I'm just not ready to talk yet, but this whole thing is turning into a huge web of lies and heartbreak.
          
           And in all honesty this, all of this is my fault. I should have been taking better care of my body than what I was doing. My mental health is absolutely terrible, because I know that everything that had happened is my fault. When I was diagnosed with Postural Tachycardia Syndrome, my fault. When the stabbing pain in my chest appeared and the doctors said I have to have surgery, my fault. This cracked rib, my fault. 
          
          After they left and my family went to talk to the doctors in private, I cried. I cried the hardest I think I ever have in a LONG time. I cried about and for everything. But I manly cried because I know that I could've prevented all this from happening.

Sky, are you okay? I know it's only been two days but a lot can happen in two days. And your last post.. im just a bit worried. I hope you're okay (: I know you don't like to tell people your business online and that's okay (: I'm here if you ever just need to vent though.

Cancer FREE!!!!!
          I'm SO happy about it! I do still have to have surgery, but at least I don't have to have surgery and have cancer. Not really sure why they tested me for it, but they probably just wanted to be sure.