Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'? Congress? Thought so.

I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. Apparently, you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and i together.
Woman: Really? I'd put f and u together.

"I am going to save my people. If history will paint me a villain, a monster, then so be it.” -(I honestly don't know, too lazy to look it up)


“You have the right to remain unconscious. Anything you think or dream will be used against you in a court of law.” – Squirt, Tales Of Flame by Buwaro

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
80 percent of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.