I don’t usually like venting, especially on social media. But I also wish I could find people who experience something similar to me.
My coping mechanism is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I find it very difficult to enjoy romance stories especially x Reader ones unless they include noncon themes(I genuinely try my best to keep noncon out of my fanfics)
Even though, in real life, I only want to have sex after marriage, I know that if I ever have a partner, I’d want CNC because otherwise I end up feeling like I’m not truly loved. I know that isn’t a healthy way to measure love, but that’s how my brain reacts.
I’ve survived sexual abuse multiple times throughout both my childhood and my teenage years, and on top of that I’ve also experienced sexual harassment, like on public transport.
Sometimes I feel dirty and disgusting. I feel like I’m betraying myself because of the way my trauma has affected what I seek out in fiction and the way my mind copes. It’s a really confusing and painful feeling to live with.
I’m not trying to romanticize trauma or encourage anything harmful. I’m just trying to understand myself and maybe find people who don’t make me feel alone.
