This is mostly a rant and i just need to kinda put it out there so i can better hold myself accountable.
[TW: Alcoholism and depression]
It’s been a few months since i’ve become addicted to drinking and i’m ashamed that i’ve let it get to the point it’s at. At first it was mostly just to boost my mood because i’ve been stuck in a really bad place for a while now and when i drink i feel happier than i have in a long time and i loved that feeling. Eventually i became dependent on it and i didn’t even realize it. I always drink around 11/12 P.M and it’s to the point that if it’s around that time and i don’t have alcohol in my system i become increasingly agitated and frustrated. Sometimes I break down when i think about stopping because i know that i don’t have anything else that makes me feel that happy. I don’t want to be dependent on alcohol for my happiness, and the idea of being an underaged alcoholic who has to steal the crappy liquor from the back of the alcohol cabinet that won’t be noticed is humiliating. I’m embarrassed that i’ve refused to go to therapy since quarantine started because it would be over the phone and my family might be able to hear about my struggles. I’m scared that if i start going to therapy again my family will find out about my recent addiction and shame me. I just feel so trapped. This is already really long so i’m just going to stop myself here.
