NotRachel1022069
So I know nobody here is prob active anymore but like I’m alive…. :) looking through my old posts are low key depressing lol
NotRachel1022069
NotRachel1022069
I’ve trapped my self, having bad thoughts then pushing it away with tv shows, movies, and video games. But at one point I always know it’s wrong, I can’t keep doing it. I can keep pushing away these feelings. But I keep doing it, and it repeats over and over again and I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’m broken. That I will live my life in fear and I’m stuck in this endless self torture. But I can’t confess anything to anyone. I can’t tell my parents what I am. Who I am. If do I know they won’t accept me. But I can’t keep living in this fear but I can’t live in the world I fear for. I can’t do it anymore, I need help. What the hell is wrong with me?
NotRachel1022069
@ItzGabriel17 tbh idk if I’m depressed cause it’s not like I’m always thinking about these things, when I’m not thinking about these things I’m a happy gal, but when I do fall into realization it’s just super scary, I don’t really know if I should get help from a school guidance counselor or a therapist, as most my stress comes from my parents and I really don’t want my parents to think they are doing something wrong. I love my parents but they can be real bitches sometimes. I really don’t know what to do in this situation-
ItzGabriel17
@NotRachel1022069 What you’re going through is a state of depression and fear and you need to talk to someone. I wen through this stage and still am buy what’s not good is the fact no one knows about how I am feeling. If your parents don’t accept you, to hell with them. Don’t stop trying keep posting so people know and that can help you. You are not alone.
NotRachel1022069
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can keep living like this. So much stress is put on me to get all A’s in school, and that I have to be faster in swimming (it’s the sport I do) I have to be better then my sister, she is already so much better then me so so many ways. She always gets A’s, she is the best in our age group of the team, she is so good at art, she actually has a good relationship with our parents. And the stress I get from even thinking about having a girlfriend or even a female crush, it scares me. What will happen if my parents find out I’m a lesbian? What will they do? It’s so scary to think what will happen. My dad is the type of guy who is a perfectionist, but very impatient and overreacts way to much. And my mother, she very clingy and I hate it. But she depends on me and my sister and I can’t let her down. And the worst thing is, nobody knows about this I can’t tell anyone about this cause nobody knows what I’m going trough, the only person that did, is gone. She moved away the day I confessed my love for her. She was there for me, she always was. But why do I feel like I disappointed her? I feel like I was never there for she when she needed me. I can’t keep this up, a loop of madness. I have such horrible thoughts at night, that I should be able to exist of my life is useless. I’m useless. I cent even clean for my self, I can’t do anything my self. But my sister always can. My sister is the golden child, always getting awards in everything she does without any effort. But I keep trying to push her down. I was so cold to her at one point, she tried to run away. Because she was full of my bullsit. I can’t keep doing this.