This chapter is engaging and easy to follow, with a clear introduction to the world, power system, and key characters. The city opening does a good job grounding the setting, and Kouenji’s entrance is memorable his arrogance, dialogue, and presence immediately stand out.
What’s working well
Worldbuilding is clear and not overwhelming (gates, ranks, mana, guilds are introduced naturally).
Kouenji’s personality is consistent and distinct, his dialogue feels intentional.
The bus confrontation creates tension and shows character differences instead of just telling them.
Ending sets up curiosity for school life and future interactions.
Spots to polish / errors to fix
Grammar & wording
“large building and shops” → large buildings and shops
“they still amazes me” → they still amaze me
“like sheeps” → like sheep
“amazed” is sometimes used where amazing or impressed fits better.
“nor able to handle the guilt” → not able to handle the guilt
“founded the book more interesting” → found the book more interesting
“an headache” → a headache
Several run on sentences could be split for smoother reading.
Tense consistency
A few moments shift between past and present tense (especially early narration). Choosing one and sticking to it will improve flow.
Repetition
Internal thoughts sometimes restate the same idea (awkwardness, reluctance, Kouenji’s arrogance). Trimming a few will tighten pacing.
Tone shifts
The meta joke about “this line is compulsory in every fanfic” may break immersion. Consider moving it to an author’s note if immersion is a priority.
Suggestion
A light line edit for grammar, tense consistency, and repetition would significantly elevate this chapter without changing the author’s voice or intent.
I'll like to be of help and be your beta reader with honest feedback.
