loser

Texas Roadhouse rolls are yummyyyyy

Please please please be alright. 

I haven't felt this helpless in so long. How can I help someone who pushes against help and insists on toughing it out alone? I just want him to be alright. It worries me. I hope he's okay. I wish I could help, and be there for him the way he needs me to. I wish I wasn't a nervous wreck and actually offered to go check on him. I was literally thinking it, but I didn't know how to say so, or if I was overstepping. Especially after our long talk last night.
          
          I hope Drew can help him. Because I know that I can't, even though I more than anything wish that I could. Please be okay. Please.

Scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it that I woke up at 4 AM shouting because I had just had a stress dream where my stepmom was calling me a horrible person and cruel to her

What's the point of sticking around if there's always gonna be someone better than me, who can bring infinitely more to the table than I ever could? There's nothing I can do that someone else can't do tenfold. Why bother

Lowkirkenuinely going back to my ghost and pals roots 

It all feels like a performance sometimes. Like no matter who I'm talking to, I'm just acting. No one sees the real me, and honestly I don't know WHAT the real me really is. What's she like? I don't know.
          
          I feel like I'm acting when I'm around everything and everyone. It's a performance. I can't do SHIT without it having eyes on it. I don't know what to do. Am I really me? Or am I just someone for everyone else. 

I got a response to my text :) very happy. He told me he wanted to ask if me and his bf wanted to hang out next weekend so I don't Think they hate me anymore (for the moment at least lol)
          
          It's kinda funny cause they're dating but I'm not 3rd wheeling much at all and they love inviting me to shit with them which I enjoy Very much. 

I've come to realize that maybe the fear of being abandoned and left behind by my friends at my current school has come from being torn from literally every other friendship I've ever had.
          
          I'm actually so useless because of it. I can't even handle being left on read for a day, cause I think they secretly hate me. Even though they do SO much for me. I'm so selfish it's insane. I fear I may be a bad person 

And I still feel like I'm gross. Like I'm needy and clingy for wanting to hang out. I'm actually disgusting.