loser

Lowkirkenuinely going back to my ghost and pals roots 

It all feels like a performance sometimes. Like no matter who I'm talking to, I'm just acting. No one sees the real me, and honestly I don't know WHAT the real me really is. What's she like? I don't know.
          
          I feel like I'm acting when I'm around everything and everyone. It's a performance. I can't do SHIT without it having eyes on it. I don't know what to do. Am I really me? Or am I just someone for everyone else. 

I got a response to my text :) very happy. He told me he wanted to ask if me and his bf wanted to hang out next weekend so I don't Think they hate me anymore (for the moment at least lol)
          
          It's kinda funny cause they're dating but I'm not 3rd wheeling much at all and they love inviting me to shit with them which I enjoy Very much. 

I've come to realize that maybe the fear of being abandoned and left behind by my friends at my current school has come from being torn from literally every other friendship I've ever had.
          
          I'm actually so useless because of it. I can't even handle being left on read for a day, cause I think they secretly hate me. Even though they do SO much for me. I'm so selfish it's insane. I fear I may be a bad person 

And I still feel like I'm gross. Like I'm needy and clingy for wanting to hang out. I'm actually disgusting.

I MIGHT be the most embarrassing, pathetic, insecure person alive.  My friends tell me they want me around and want to help me and hang out with them, but i just feel like a burden. It's agony. I wanna start crying but doing that would disgust me because I know it will solve nothing.
          
          I don't wanna throw a pity-party for myself. I just feel alone and unloved, even though there's plenty of people around me telling me that they love me. My parents love me, my friends at school,  my friends in Maine. But somehow I can't believe it. I can't understand how people would think someone as repulsive and selfish as me is worthy of companionship. I wanna throw up. I wanna feel nothing.

Fuckkkk I'm such a jealous piece of shit like actually. Why can't someone love me and hold me and take care of me. Someone who constantly wants to text me and be around me. Someone who'll need me just as much as I need them. I'm sick of being the second choice. I'm fucking sick of never being enough. I will never be held. I'll never have anyone fall in love with me. No one will ever look at me in the eyes and tell me "you're my favorite person. I wouldn't choose anyone but you." 
          
          It's always me doing that for other people. I always care for people more than they care for me. I'm always the second choice. I always lose. I know I'll never EVER be the one someone really wants. It fills me with such deep resentment I can hardly stand it. I wanna cry and scream and beg someone to hold me. To run their fingers through my hair and tell me they truly love me.
          
          But that will never happen. I will never be loved. I will never be held. I will never have someone. I will never be enough. 
          
          I try to tell myself I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the loneliness. But I'm a liar. And it's probably best for everyone if I'm never seen again.

do you guys ever get so obsessed over a character that you feel violently ill and deeply saddened that they aren't real and aren't around you. like you GENUINELY miss them. or are you normal yes or no

POV: you don't wanna listen to music, and you don't wanna talk to people so you just sit silently and rot

Ow ow ow ow ow owww my stomach hurts arguhhhhhhh owwwe