Leilani Willow

I don't want to make this wordy or confusing.
          
          I made a new account: @OWeepingWillows (I just added an S)
          
          Why?
          
          Can't change passwords like Wattpad asked me to (I'm on my laptop right now).
          
          I have multiple accounts on here, meaning I'll have to log out of it on this device to get to the other ones... Which means that I won't be able to log back into this one once I log out. I don't usually be on this Wattpad with my laptop. Just on my phone.
          
          Sorry for the inconvenience and I hope I clear up as to why I had to make a new one.
          
          (Though, I won't be deleting this one just in case you guys want to reread what I posted on the conversation area. Also, my books [aside from Woe is She] will be moved over to that account.)

Had to make a new account, so follow me on this one. 

This Mountain by Faouzia
          "Climbing up this mountain
          Climbing up twice
          Hoping that I make it this time
          But I'm so done with hoping
          'Cause hoping is to failing is to
          Falling down this mountain
          Falling down again
          Boom, boom
          Heart beats still beating in the end
          I'm choking
          But that's just what they wanted
          So I get up off the ground
          And I shake it out
          Ra, da, da
          Come, look at me now
          Look at me now
          I'm not here to talk
          I'm not here to talk
          I'm just here to walk
          Here to walk the walk
          I'm gonna make it up this mountain
          Make it to the top
          Show them what I'm made of
          Show them what I've got
          I will, I will, I will
          I will, I will, I will
          So mark my words
          Before you swallow yours
          I'm gonna make it up this mountain
          Make it to the top
          Show them what I'm made of
          Show them what I've got
          I will, I will, I will
          I will, I will, I will
          So mark my words
          Before you swallow yours just like a pill
          Started as a question
          Ended as a fact
          When I found out I'm the only one that has my back
          I'm drowning
          'Cause they fill my lungs with venom
          And the sharks are coming out
          And they're hungry now, ra, da, da
          Sharks are coming out
          I put them out
          I'm gonna make it up this mountain
          Make it to the top
          Show them what I'm made of
          Show them what I've got
          I will, I will, I will
          I will, I will, I will
          So mark my words
          Before you swallow yours
          I'm gonna make it up this mountain
          Make it to the top
          Show them what I'm made of
          Show them what I've got
          I will, I will, I will
          I will, I will, I will
          So mark my words
          Before you swallow yours just like a pill
          Ay, before you swallow yours just like a pill
          Ay, before you swallow yours just like a pill
          I would never lie
          So mark my words before you swallow yours "

How can one stop from thinking too much? To simply shut off all thought process and have peace in their mind?
          
          ...I tried...
          
          I try so desperately hard to shut off my thoughts and live in the moment, not worrying about the future and scared of the unknown it brings... It rings in my ears with how loud and clutter my mind is with thoughts.
          
          Thoughts of things that aren't true. 
          
          Thoughts of things that could be true.
          
          Thoughts of things that are true.
          
          Every little possibility, bad and good, plays in my mind like a movie telling a story.
          
          I over analyze every little thing I see, hear, feel, or sense.
          
          I over analyze my analysis. I over think my over thinking.
          
          And, it always brings trouble in my life when it comes to relationships... However, I don't know how to fix this.

How is everyone currently? 

I often find myself questioning why I'm alive when all I want is death. I say I'm a coward and that's why I can't just die, but I don't think that's true. I could do it if I really wanted to. Have everything end and be able to find my peace through death. 
          
          No, I think I'm still alive and can't bring myself to do it is because something within me whispers "What if someone needs my help? They'll need someone who doesn't judge, will understand them, and assist them in betterment." Is that really the only reason why I exist? To help others through their pain?
          
          I hope not. 

Finally gotten the crying fest I needed. Feel mostly better. 

I have so many nice and loving things I want to tell you, but all the words are tangled up on my tongue which leaves me with the pain I spew out like I'm some pest that needs to be eliminated. You're here but for how long before you push me away again and I'm left with unsaid things that could potentially help you? 
          
          You deserve so many great things in life just as much as the next person.
          
          That person shouldn't have made you believe otherwise.
          
          Shouldn't have made you think you are unworthy of the love I want to flow into you.
          
          But she did and it's cruel. 
          
          No one should feel that way because of someone who took you for granted and didn't deserve your greatness. Shouldn't believe that you can't trust anyone at all.
          
          Don't let the fear stunt you from letting people who does deserve you and should be trusted not being let in... But I understand the feeling of possibly getting hurt.
          
          I'm not sure if my mad talk makes any sense. 

I hope that I'm able to make it through the terror that replays in my head and get to the life that isn't always tormenting me. 
          
          I want say that I'm certain that this will get better. That I'LL get well mentally and able to manage my medical conditions in order to be a functioning adult.
          
          I used to keep this faith and I used to be certain that this'll get better, not worse. It kept me mentally well for the most part or at least I thought, you know? But, life wasn't getting better for me. It gradually gotten worse. My hope and certain just withered away after a while. 
          
          I'm forcing myself to live to prove myself wrong. That life WILL be wonderful to me.
          
          It will be better.
          
          I'll find peace, happiness, and love.
          
          I know I will.
          
          I have to keep positive. 

I'm really feeling pathetic. 
          
          A pathetic mess that doesn't know how to rely on herself and clean up the mess she's in.
          
          I feel like I'm constantly doing something wrong.
          
          How can I be perfectly fine and normal without these issues I have? Without all these memories I have of the terrible things I've experienced? When will I be able to trust and love fully again? Without doubt planting its seeds within me? Without feeling like I'm useless and nothing compared to other people?
          
          I just want to be happy and have peace.
          
          Is that too much to ask?