Leilani Willow

First the flames consumed our shelter and then nine (technically ten) days later, a car accident happened.
          
          Am I bad luck or is the universe angry with me for surviving this long when I should've passed on already due to my health complications? Have I jaded the universe so much to the point it's causing pain the people around me just to kill me?
          
          Tried to consume me in flames, but I survived then a car accident, and I survived again.
          
          I don't want to feel like I'm the cause of this and I know I'm not, but it doesn't keep the emotions at bay.

I feel like I'm trapped inside of a cage; my warm hands grasping the harsh, cold, bars that holds me within as it makes my wings frail due to the inability to spread them wide in fly.
          
          I breathe, but it doesn't feel like I'm breathing for myself nor is the air around me is good. Toxicity, rot, and everything bad fills my nostrils which burns each time I breathe in. It hurts to take deep breaths in because it scratches my throat.
          
          The cage that contains me shrinks, slowly suffocating me.
          
          Bad thoughts overwhelming me.
          
          I'm struggling to get out and all the knowledge that I know can't help me escape.
          
          Am I too weak?

I feel like I'm way too broken to even be saved by myself, by anyone.
          
          My darkness would wrap its sticky claws around their ankles and drag them into my abyss, virtually destroying them when all I wanted to do is help.
          
          All I want to do is help. Keep my unbearable, unimaginable, pain hidden from everyone's sight because I'm so incredibly afraid that it'll make people leave me. It'll darken my abyss even more and only prove my sense of truth for my reality.
          
          That I'm meant to help and observe rather than be helped and grow together.
          
          I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough. That I'm never enough for anything or anyone. That I'm meant to live in this hell and never get out of it, only going deeper.
          
          Am I meant to go through these things to help others?
          
          Am I meant to snap and show the world what it created?
          
          I'm tired of constantly thinking. Questioning. Feeling alone when I'm not.

Chains, heavy and thick, continuously weighing me down.
          Darkness, suffocating and unbearable, always hanging on my shoulder.
          It stays, clouding my eyes with terrible things and making life bleek. Bright colours and loveliness does not reach my stained mind.

I often feel like there's a hand clasping around my neck, taking my ability to breath, but I don't fight it or try to survive. I simply let it this sensation do it's thing, practically embracing it or embracing the possibility of death.
          
          If I was dead, then I wouldn't have to feel this god forsaken pain that's been piled on top of me. Nor would I have to remember terrible past experiences which makes me believe that I'm better of dead than alive. Or feeling like I'm bringing others down with me when I try speaking about what's going on in my head or going through.
          
          When will I be free of this torment within my mind?
          
          How am I able to sit down and work through all of my traumatic experiences without going full unstable?
          
          Can anyone even help me?
          
          Can I trust anyone?

Living in this mortal coil is tiresome and painful.
          
          So exhaustingly difficult to keep relationships of any kind due to the inability to know what goes on in one's head. Everyone is so different and complex with the way they think and feel. Different experiences that made them as who they are today.
          
          I rather want to go back and be one with earth. Becoming the dirt everyone walks on. The ground that help give life to plants.
          
          I want to go back to being star dust and particles instead of being able to feel and experience things. I'm not exactly made to be a very social creature. I highly don't think I was created to keep relationships.
          
          No, I think I was made to be an observer and someone who assists in everyone else's well being.
          
          I hope I'll be able to keep two of the relationships I have.

I often want to get up, leave this house, and wander aimlessly around without caring about my safety and how my disappearance would make others feel.
          
          I want to get away from the pain, the trauma, the stress, the anxiety...
          
          Will I ever be able to do that?

Can you take a leap of faith? 

How often does one think about going away to somewhere secluded?
          
          Somewhere away from everything that made you feel so terrible about yourself?
          
          How often? 

I'm a dweller.
          
          I dwell on things that should have been left alone. It festers within me and makes everything worse in my head. I try not dwelling; I strive to move on from it, but my attempts always fail.
          
          Maybe I dwell because I don't really have anyone to speak about these things due to my inability to trust people.
          
          I wish my mind just quiet down.