On break :)

I was on call with two of my friends last night and at some point it was just raspberry and I in the call and I was like occasionally really awkward but it wasn't like in the past when I was silent the whole time so we were able to talk a bit and laugh a little like we would've before everything happened. It was really nice. It really feels like she's my friend again you don't understand guys I genuinely missed her so much-- 

Woke up and immediately got hit by cramps 

Posted some new art :)

My experience with relaitonships. End.
          
          I realized what I was typing was getting just too personal. So I'm cutting it a bit short.
          So we called every day, we got fake married and fake flirted.
          Homecoming we cuddled and nearly fell asleep in each others arms. That's when raspberry had an oh moment I think. We went on our school trip and she kissed me one night (best night of my life), I was in a play and she came and wanted to see me again and I confessed I had feelings and she said she had feelings and it just fell apart from there. Don't get me wrong it was amazing, I will always cherish those moments. But I moved too fast , and things just went south. So raspberry was awkward all that week, till I think my other friend told her I suspected she wasn't into me anymore. Then she ended it. It SUCKED SO FUCKINF BADDD you guys, genuinely the worst I've ever felt. I still feel bad remembering it, for confessing in the first place. And for too long our friendship was just wrong but it's getting better and I appreciate that but man. Never should have said anything, I have so many regrets. 
          And I still like her, like bruuuuh it's useless but I still have so many feelings and it SUCKSSS. 
          But it's okay now I'm healing. I have big feelings.
          
          So that's my experience you guys, if you  want more details on the raspberry experience you can scroll WAYYYYYYY WAY down and you might find some posts of me talking about it. Great times. I miss them a whole fuckin lot 
          Love you guys, good night <3

My journey with relationships. Pt. 4
          
          I never had an 'oh' moment with Raspberry. No waking up with the sudden realization that I was head over heels in love, no moment when I looked at raspberry and suddenly everything was in a new light. All I know is I came home from work one day maybe and I just WAS. I mean, I can't remember when I felt any different, it felt as if I'd liked raspberry for a thousand years. I know I admitted it a couple days before Fourth of July to my friend. I hadn't considered that maybe I liked raspberry until my mom brought it up all judgmentally because I was talking about her a lot. 
          I wasn't 'out' as bi to my friends yet, I never really did come out I just kind of WAS one day and everyone rolled with it. 
          The only change was my heart fluttered a little and all of a sudden I was noticing more than just habits, physical features began to stick out to me too, little ways that she laughed or smiled or drew began to make my stomach flutter more and more. It was never an 'oh.' It just WAS. 
          The beginning of summer, a friend of our left the group, she was the one that everyone kind of talked to for a while. When she left I took the chance to start texting raspberry more often. We had talked before, we had characters and lore and showed art to each other, but that summer was just another chance to get closer.
          I was texting every day, little rants and analyzations and hellos and good nights and how are yous. Around this time we were both in an existential crisis (that in turn kind of coursed some wacko anxiety that fires up occasionally) and we helped each other out with that. I remember everything I said and everything raspberry replied with. I don't know if she remembers but that's okay I don't mind, it helped in the moment.

My journey with relationships. Pt. 3
          
          The year I decided I was bi, I decided I was straight soon after.
          I got casted into a show and started talking to another guy who was casted as well. He was a role with I think three lines, but he was on the crew so we saw each other a bunch during tech week. 
          It was complicated. I talked to him kind of awkwardly, but he asked for my number smoothly and I was brought back to that 'attractive guy who might like me I guess I like him too' phase. I remember two of my friends may have liked him too, and I was afraid of doing anything because I didn't want to hurt their feelings because he definitely liked me. 
          We confessed, it was quick, he asked if he could say we were dating, and I said that was okay with me. It was great I was happy.
          The only times we had like a 'date' was when we'd go to his friend's house (his friend's girlfriend was there too) and we would sit in the basement and watch movies. We'd hold hands and cuddle, he was really tall to it was kinda awkward but I never felt more loved than when I was in his arms at that point.
          My friend had a birthday party at his friend's house. And he was acting really distant, sat away from me, didn't want to hold hands. I could tell something was up. Lo and behold, that Sunday he ended it. I cried a bunch for like a week, and my heart was really bitter at everything for a while.
          I don't think how I felt then could compare to my latest one though that one sucked ASS. You guys have been following that story but I may as well tell it again 

My journey with [relationships] pt. 2
          
          Before the year I decided I was bi, I thought a guy from my last school liked me. 
          Being the courteous young lady I am, I invited him to a dance at my school. It did not go well.
          He sat at the side the entire time. REFUSED to dance, rarely made conversation, I didn't want to leave him there with no one to talk to so I sat with him in silence while my fitness all danced. In the end he found another person to walk around with and I went with my friends but it was an emotional night I wasn't sure how to deal with. I mean I was a preteen and the world was growing around me and I liked this guy because I thought he liked me and he just embarrassed me at the dance. Was pretty strange, afterwards we got on good terms but in reality he was a really immature guy, glad we don't talk anymore.

My journey with love. Pt. 1
          
          I mean, I suppose I've not had the best experiences with full on love before. Like relationships. Not in the case that any past partners were ab*sing me in any way, no it was far from that. I just loved a little too deeply and it hurt a lot for the both of us.
          I only liked dudes as a kid, I didn't analyze the playground and choose one, I just thought 'oh that's a guy and he's nice to me I guess I'll like him.' They were schoolgirl crushes that lasted for a day and then happened for another a few months later, nothing really LASTED. I had some wonderful platonic friendships with guys in elementary though, I'd rather that than be all boy crazy. They played rough sometimes and I was a crybaby but it was okay.
          When I moved schools a couple years ago, to the one before my school now, I did that again, it wasn't a bit emotion thing, but a kind of pining because some guys were attractive and everyone was getting like hormones or whatever and everyone was confused. I remember a friend admitting she was bi to me in maybe sixth grade, that's when I began to think a little that maybe I was but I never considered it fully till I moved schools again a couple years later 
          When I did, I decided 'okay, new school, nice queer kids, yeah I'm bi that's cool.' And I told like two people because I was trying to be relatable and I really expected I was maybe into girls too, but who knows what I was thinking then. Rough times. (I totally am now though)

The end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end

If I posted a book with some putfits of mine will you guys help me pick one for me and my friends' galentines tonight? 
          (The galentines with five completely straight cis ladies, two of which are dating and one of which I've dated before lmao)
          SURPRISINGLY though, yesterday I wasn't feeling as awful as I'd expected so that's neat