My name's Robert, and I like to write. 
Yes, an Alcoholic's Anonymous introduction, because that's how I role.
I can't focus on things, sometimes I break stuff, and I have zero talent when it comes to anything that interests me.
That said, I don't care. I'm going to do these things anyway.

I want to be a tattoo artist when I grow up, because that floats my boat.
Photography also floats my boat. So does music. Writing's got an awful lot of buoyancy, as well.

See what I did there?
I'm so clever.

Anyway, now you know a few of my hopes and dreams.
The future's not that important, though. The current me is probably what I'm supposed to be writing about here.
I am an antisocial renegade from the land of Ark-E-Saw, surviving on chicken, monster, and the crushed dreams of children. The entire state is my domain, and I rule it atop a domesticated and highly evolved dinosaur, known to all by the fearsome name of ChubChub.
I have been alive for several hundred years, and have served as the president of Everything Forever since Before Your Mother Was Born.

(Please note that the history of this author is not necessarily canon to the history of anyone else, though that does not make it any less true)