Hey! I don’t have time to read the whole thing, but I did take a look at the first two chapter. Overall, I think the story is well written! However, I do think that it’s a bit too stiff and embellished in some places, causing the reader to feel distanced from the character. The character is supposed to be a person, just like us, and the way you write sometimes makes me think that “hey wait a sec, I wouldn’t talk like that if I was the character.”
Remember, this is just my suggestion, and you don’t have to listen to it or anything. Do what feels right to you. Keep writing!