when you look here again you will notice I have not deleted the old posts.. that is because I love looking back and seeing this. Our history. Our progress. I do not want to remove our roots we have spent time carefully paving way for.
I know I'm nothing special.
I don't have actual social skills. I couldn't make friends if I tried. I'm constantly insecure and selfish. And I struggle roughly with my surroundings. I never know how to keep my mouth shut but.. honestly!? I probably would never talk about how I feel if we met. I try and be loving yes! I will use excitement to cover up my constant anxiety so those around me feel pleased instead of tired of me..
I never talk about my problems to people around me. I never cry in front of people around me. As much as I suffer. As much as I cry.
You would hate me if you don't hate me now. I'm scared. I project my insecurities onto other people in hopes they don't end up like me. Hehheh.
I'm sorry. I love you. I'm aching and felt I needed to put it somewhere.
And then when I do stuff like call I get so damn anxious and all I do is laughh and laughh. Andd.. go silent and freeze upp.. and die inside but. But. Talking to people makes me feel alive it makes me feel energized.. those are nice interactions with friends.
But when i talk to my relatives i feel constantly drained thats because of what they did to me. No one would feel good if they were mistreated and had to continue to be around those people who hurt them...
I rely on human communication but it scares me to death and makes my anxiety spike up. I'm energized but in the tired kind of excited way. I can't ever fully enjoy it.
My life is constant misery.
I'm just a sad liar that can't communicate to anyone because I don't know how. I can't trust people I fear people.. Kyr. I fear people.
I have a fear of people.