Paularodriguez123

@The_Lost_Ones alright. Have any of you guys started on your own story yet?

just added a story to our private library

@Paularodriguez123 You're very welcome. If you have any questions about anything, just message me, and I'll help as best I can.

@CodyMallonee Thank you so much for the honest feed back. I really appreciate it!(: never written before so I needed someone to help me and set me straight so, thanks again! I will go make some changes(:

hmmmm. Part two got flagged as being offensive.... If you can't see it, let me know, I'll edit it.

THIS IS PART 2!!! READ PART 1 FIRST!!!!
          
          P2PP15: “deserved that asshole” --- this is one of the instances where commas are important. As the sentence is, it means “You, Sir, deserved the asshole which was given to you.” When what you really mean is “you deserved that, asshole.” The sentence would then read as “You, Sir, deserved that, because you are an asshole.”
          P2PP18: ”a” should be “at”. Later, “strangly” should be “strangely”. Even later, “was three” should be “were three”
          P2PP23: Athena’s dialogue, with Jason’s actions. If you want to make the argument that Athena is observing Jason’s actions, then clarify the dialogue to prevent any problems. If you make that argument, the beginning of the next PP is a problem, as it’s Jason’s dialogue with Athena’s actions.
          P2PP24: “in returned I flipped” --- should be “return”
          P3PP1: “more so closer up” --- “more so close-up.”
          P3PP2: “he asked so bluntly” --- lose the “so”
          P3PP7: “effected” --- should be “affected”
          P3PP20: Jason’s dialogue – Athena’s actions. Also, Jason was so excited to go backstage, but he didn’t do anything once there… odd…
          

First off, no matter what you read – from anyone – remember that you’ve already written something more coherent and developed than 99% of the population, so you’re awesome – and keep it up!
          
          Okay, in we go.
          P1PP1: “Pulling my shorts down” --- Sounds like she’s undressing, consider “tugging on my shorts”
          	“tank top” versus “tank-top”
          P1PP2: “get in to go see” --- Just use “get in to see”
          P1PP3: “he saw me looking back at me” --- change the final ‘me’ to “him”
          	“bad looking” versus “bad-looking”
          P1PP6: I’m totally against using “and” twice in a sentence, but, ‘to each her own’
          P1PP8: “I don’t know if she likes me” --- Jason’s dialogue, followed by Athena’s actions. Separate
          P1PP10: “finally got to the front” --- drop “finally”
          	“a excited” --- change “a” to “an”
          	“There was two guitarist” --- change “was”” to “were” and “guitarist” to “guitarists”
          P1PP13: “breath taking” versus “breath-taking”
          P2PP5: “extremely rich more than your parents” --- consider “extremely rich – even more-so than your parents. Plus, if”
          P2PP10: “Dude guess what guys?” --- You can deduce said this, but only if you think about it… Don’t make your reader think about who is speaking at any given time – it should always be clear.
          P2PP11: There are a lot of instances like this one: “we asked curious” --- either “we asked, curious.” OR “we curiously asked.” Basically, you really need to put a boat-load of commas throughout your story; they’ll help to break up your sentences into pieces that will be easier to read.
          P2PP13: “dude? now” --- When ending dialogue, if the following describes how the dialogue was said, ie: asked, said, yelled, screamed, then it is lower-case. If it is unrelated to the dialogue (like in this paragraph as well as PP10) then “now” would be upper-case  “dude? Now that he asked,”
          P2PP14: “I looked at him pissed and I punched” --- use “pissed-off”, otherwise it sound like she wet herself. Also in this PP, don’t mix Athena’s actions with Kyden’s actions (or dialogue!!!).
          

@CodyMallonee either one is fine with me(:

@Paularodriguez123 That works. I have a LOT of feedback for you. Would you like it in your comments, or here in a message?

@CodyMallonee of course! i love reading. Plus I looked at what it was about and it sounds really neat! But just to warn you it might take a little longer to read since its pretty long so far and also because I'm writing not only my story but also starting a group writing story. Would that be okay with you? I would write on the comments to tell you how I feel on some of the chapters.