My life:

What? No! I'm not clumsy. Its just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way. 

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile... then walk into a pole.

Old people at weddings always poke me and say 'You're next' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

'Did you just fall?'
'No. I attacked the floor.'
'Backwards?'
'I'm freaking talented!'

Why is Monday
So far from Friday
And Friday so near
to Monday?

I never make the same mistake twice...
I make it five or six times just to be sure.

Don't break anyone's heart, they have only one...
Break their bones, they have 206 of them.

99% of guys are good looking. The other 1% go to our school

Dear Egnslih tecaehr,
As lnog as the fsrit and lsat lteters r in the smae palce, u can siltl raed tihs.
Sincerely,
slpelnig is not taht ipmrontat

A good friend helps you up when you fall. I best friend laughs in your face and trips you again.

I can't take this long distance relationship anymore...
FRIDGE, you're coming to my room.

Dear parents, 
Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin.
Snow White lived alone with 7 men.
Pinocchio was a lair.
Robin Hood was a thief.
Tarzan walked around without clothes on.
A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him.
Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party.
YOU CAN'T BLAME US.
We were taught to rebel since a young age.

It takes skill...
To trip over flat surfaces.

THE END X3