@PheandreaJackson I really like how the story is coming along. I'm genuinely intrigued about the opening and what Chloe will get Clare and George into. I can't recall the unique spelling of magic girl's name but I thought it was cute and quirky. Clare kind of sucks now which makes me look forward to her turnaround with her brother. Expecting a really good big sister moment! I like that your protagonist is a teenage boy. I like that he isnt sarcastic. the title sounds epic and that was an entertaining visual of the wizard in the beginning. Some things that kind of bothered me were that I didn't have a clear visual of what the siblings looked like. I dont think there was much reference made to physical features. Also, I noticed the same words repeated in close proximity of each other a few times. Like when you mention a door or something, you say the same word again in the very next sentence when describing something about it (like I just did there:-). Maybe instead substitute a pronoun when you can, or a synonym if possible; maybe even a description. For example, when speaking about Chlo, instead of using her name again, maybe describe her as "the girl with the glowing red hair," or" the girl in the grape-colored dress." I saw a few minor typos you'll probably catch with another cursory glance. Lastly, I enjoyed the inciting moment with the sister and the punch but maybe instead of describing what happens before it happens just let it play out. It's a nice scene to not see coming. Overall, I really enjoyed it. Btw, what age group is this for?
