I have a bad habit. Whenever I overthink or feel unsafe and insecure, I want to run and give up on everything. I want to hide because it's my defensive mechanism. And then I want to destroy everything I've done, I want to burn them down to the ashes. And then I want to rebuild them and start again. And then, I will regret, like I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have destroyed it all. It's like a loop. I'm sick of myself.
I want to succeed, but then I'm scared of failure. I'm easily torn. When I fail once, I don't dare to try again because I'm scared of the invisible eyes that are judging me. Hiding is my safe place, and sometimes I'm so sick of myself that I can never step out of my safe zone. I have insecurities. I have mental illnesses. I want to be more, but I don't dare to pay the price.
I'm a coward, a hypocrite, a flatterer, a tedious broken mess. I want to die but then I'm too scared of death. I hesitate in everything I do. I keep lying in the middle. I'm never on top, or the bottom. I hate where I am, and who I am.
I cry by myself in the middle of the night. I'm in a panic attack and I'm too scared to ask for help. I'm exhausted day by day.
Because I'm a coward, I don't dare to die. So I can only wish I had never been born. I truly hate myself.