Qumintang

Apologies if I vented here. Well, no one's gonna read this anyway so I'm safe......I think.

Qumintang

Yeah, I did a lot of vague vents around on my messenger and instagram, most of the time on my journals but I made all of my serious conversations as a joke so that they won't worry about me nor my humor. 
          
          I don't have a lot of friends, nor a trustworthy family (my favorite cousin is trying to avoid me, I felt hurt.) both in reality and virtually. I'm also having a hard time seeking help but I'm saving money for it. I don't know how to motivate myself again to do my schoolworks either. My irl friend's mother won't let me meet her because it's 'far and dangerous for her little princess to go out alone', I tried reasoning her that her daughter is willing to help with my piles of homework I hardly going on but she still won't listen and passed the phone to her daughter instead. 
          
          So yeah, I have no one who're to help/cared about me but myself.
          
          Ah, now while writing this I just realized my area is very toxic, let alone being inside of the house all day. So many people calling me sensitive and giving me horrible tips which didn't help me at all. 
          
          I promised myself when I'm 20 and had a job, I will leave this place and live freely. Right now, I'm going to face my problems and studying until the end of schoolyear without trying to do self-sabotage.

Qumintang

Last year november, I finally confessed to my mother about my mental health. I stuttered and almost spilled my tears when I told her about it. She heard me clearly and questioned what made me depressed and all so I was glad that she is willing to listen and understand me, expecting that I can finally have someone to help me. 
          
          However at the end, she didn't help me. My family gave me an option to stop studying but think about the consequences if I really did stop studying. It feels like I'm being threatened if I choose that option, so I said I'll try continue studying instead. My mother told me if I have finish this schoolyear I will be rewarded on taking a break for a year, then I accept that promised. But what if it was a lie so that I will be studying continuously? What if at the end of my schoolyear they will enroll me again to that far, foreign place? I overthought all of this and troubled on trusting them again. Since all my siblings— except the eldest sister— gave me death threats from minor things. 
          
          I wanna confessed to my mother, my parents, the whole family that I need a break and a time to heal but, I overheard them talking about mental health as they are mocking how young people with depression killed themselves over small things and blaming the gadgets and highschool love life. I silenced myself forever even if they asked me what the hell is wrong with me.