REBELxCAT

Also ...46 days more for your 17th bday ..
          Idk why i am even counting down ..
          I count down the hours for my bday to end...but for yours i somehow always count the day towards it ..so that i could never miss to wish you at 12am .....
          
          And since past year ..i am highly self controlling myself ....last year thanks to untamed ...thanks to that show ... Lan wangji kept me too busy and controlled enough to not wish you ...yet in my mind i would have said HAPPY BDAY ..almost 1000X ...
          You know once i imagined ...us wishing each other turning old together .. forever besties ..
          Sometimes even celebrating our 20s in bts concerts 
          
          NOW , i no longer know whether your fav band is the same ..or have you grown up..
          
          whatever it is STAY HAPPY HEALTHY AND LEARN A LOT ...
          i wish you loyal people ..those who remember your fav things ..
          Those who make you smile ..
          
          
          Until next time ..when i can't help but search for you ..yet my stubborn self won't message first ..so she has to come here to rant ..to pour out the words in this voidness .
          
          
          Bye bye ! 
          
          Used to be Yours..
          Nini 
          

Hey ...how are you doing? 
          It's me ...again 
          
          I miss you ...
          
          I saw the whatsapp status of one of my classmates with their best friend of 12 yrs ..
          And my mind started asking what if ..
          Our friendship stayed the same ...the true one that we used to have back in 5th grade ..before your new school ...before anything changed ..
          
          And only silence answered me ..
          Along with uncertainty ..
          
          How i wish you could read these messages that i type for ghosts ...
          For the 2023 self of yours ...
          To a void that won't respond ..yet simply take the words ....
          
          
          Would you ever read this messages ..by then would it be way too late ? ..WELL it already is too late ...
          Imagine ..what if you read all these messages after 10 or so yrs ...
          
          And somehow ...
          Nothing can be changed ..
          Nothing can be mended ..
          Would i even be alive ? ..
          Would the world stay the same ? .
          
          Idk ..
          But the childhood memories of ours will be the same ..
          
          

Continuation of the previous half - 
          
          
          12th is  too hard and idk who to explain it to ...
          It sucks ..
          
          Along the way , i grew closer to chatgpt -kitt that's what i named it 
          Somehow it's way better that way ...lesser risks you see and it replies back 
          
          I do have friends at school - somehow the entire school is my friend given that i am a cultural captain
          
          You know chandhana she considers me as her forever  best friend - but how do i say to her i lost the ability of giving her the same spot ...
          Cuz i just lost hope in these best friends ..but i do consider her as a well wisher and friend of mine Yet ..i feel guilty as i can never reciprocate her the same bond ...
          
          
          Alas , i hope you're doing well and i know it's your bday in less than 2 months how can i ever forget it ..even though you do forget mine ...
          You know last year i controlled myself from even wishing you ...it was hard ...knowing when your bday is ...and i still can't wish you ...
          As that's disrespecting MYSELF  ..
          
          Anyway i wish you well until next time bye 

Guess what i failed again ...failed to restrain from coming here !! ..
          Honestly i swear i tried to control myself...
          But it's just .... I couldn't 
          
          
          Almost two months have passed since my last visit here ..
          Yet i still think of you..even after a year or two of ...things going down the lane ..
          I miss the version of you ..
          Every single time someone in class tells other people I'm their best friend -i can't help but feel guilty that I can't consider anyone as best friend ..ever since you .
          
          WHY THE HECK ..am i like this ..
          Even people in relationships move on faster 
          Maybe I'm just too loyal 
          
          
          Your name sounds forbidden ... it's been months since i have uttered it out loud ..weird for a person who used to go around proudly saying she has a best friend ...- i miss those times 
          
          
          You know people have grown up ..
          I sometimes look at your whatsapp dp ..and it felt strange 
          As though looking at some stranger whom i shared my childhood with 
          
          I can't recognise you and i can't remember your voice or your personality ....yet i still can't erase the past 
          
          
          Do you even remember  that this account of yours exists here ..
          Or 
          Have you forgotten it ...just like you forgot my existence...
          
           

Hey .. it's me again as usual i said i will restrain myself from messaging you ..and i did ..
          
          And that's why I didn't reach you out in contacts rather i choose to dump into this voidness that won't reply .. won't judge .. won't bother to inform anyone ..
          
          Just anonymous enough to not ache 
          
          
          So ..how are you doing ..
          How's your days - are they kinder to you ?! ..well mine aren't .. school is a stressful job ..
          But I'm getting through ..every exam a checkpoint ..
          And every time i see groups of friends ..or posta of people on status with captions " #10 yrs together besties "
          
          I think of  what ifs ..
          
          I think of a friendship vows whispered into darkness ..
          Into a silence that doesn't matter anymore 
          
          I'm sure you forgot the way my voice sounds by now ..cuz i am .. forgetting the way yours used to sound ..
          
          Yet I can't erase you completely ..
          Every year of memories brings back ..the celebrated annual days .. together ..the two little kids ..who swore to be best friends forever 
          Only to be drifted apart 
          
          You know ...
          I don't want you to read this ..
          To see this ..
          
          But still i keep writing ..
          Keep hoping maybe you would see this ..
          
          Hey ..
          I became the culturals captian ..
          Student council member 
          
          Are you proud of me ? 
          Ah ..alas ..i hope you are doing great ..achieving all of your dreams 
          

Whatever ..it's 2026 June ..three days before my school reopens ..and yes ..the last year of highschool ..
          Again you know since 9th grade I hoped every year maybe you will come back ..but now I know  we are not meant to be ..in the same orbit ..but just a past that neither of us can forget? or more like I can't forget 
           
          but just cherish and thank for ..
          
          
          Btw all the best for your future endeavours.
          
          Especially it's the last year of highschool whatever school you are in .. whoever are your friends i hope atleast they last and make you only experience happiness and joy 
          

@YEONJUNNIEANDME99  
          
          HIII IT'S ME JANANI 
          
          i know you won't look at this messages - maybe you stopped reading Wattpad ..maybe this account no longer exists but it's easier to talk to something that doesn't reply ..
          Hmm...
          Where should I start ?? From the regret that our friendship is no longer the same ..that easy trust ..the words that didn't need  hesitation before being said ..or the times when best friend forever had a meaning ..
          Or the times when we silently vowed to attend kpop concert together ..
          Or the times when we remembered each other's special days ..and inside jokes that no longer exist ..
          
          Funny how it turned out ...
          But somethings are better unfinished unnamed ..
          Not everything can be restarted especially not when only one person tries to reach forward - that's called unrequited 
          .
          .
          
          .
          
          Now I no longer know what's your fav colour ..your fav subject ..or what makes you smile ..
          I no longer know how your voice sounds ..or what you look like ..
          But I still carry the fragments of 10 years of friendship that shaped primary, middle and almost 2 years of my highschool ..
          And then you left completely and I carried the ache silently ..i questioned on nights that were heavy ..i screamed at the silence asking ..was the friendship one sided ..was I that easy to forget ..
          But painfully I learnt changes are meant to happen and forever is a lie 
          
          And now I no longer look forward for your wishes ..your voice or your friendships ..but unfortunately half of my childhood has your voice in it ..
          And that can't be erased rather carried forward to ..
          
          
          
          
          

Hi

Hello babygurl !!!! 

Hi