I'm so sorry you're going through this rn :( (Im not good at these type of things so sorry if this is gonna sound stupid) You could try to find different things to distract you from these bad thoughts and relapsing. Try finding other ways of dealing with these things, even if its hard. Remember that its not going to get better very quickly, but progress, no matter how small, is progress. If there is ANYONE you trust and can talk to about these things, I suggest you do. I don't have much knowledge of what things you could do that would help, so I'm sorry. But I do understand that finding help with these things and trying to deal with bad thoughts and relapsing is hard, but all you can do is try your best. Sorry if all this sounded dumb, but I wanted to at least try to help you. I hope you have a nice rest of your day/night