SleepingRanru

Why should I feel disappointed when you literally stop looking at my way just because I feel like we are not compatible anymore with each other ? I distance myself because I can feel the awkwardness. You leave me behind while you walk together with them at the front, you didn't sit at the seat where I am at,you left me to attend myself by leaving me to eat with the others. Who the hell am I to you? Tell me, tell me the answer. Now, you see me when you need something from me? And now what? You are going to take everything? I don't know dude. I am just tired with everything. I just want to give up.

I am just tired of having to think of the outcome of what if I do that everytime I went out for a together time with everyone. Its getting quite dull and boring to think about,oh I wear this so I will be notice by them ! , i want know what they think of me, why not I just enjoy the time together and think of nothing else ?

dont' pull out the victim card now by asking me the most obnovious question, "do you hate us ?". What ? Do I treat you like I fucking like you ? We need to communicate to know about others and that doesnt mean it relate to liking feelings. Don't you have friends until you even reach to that point as early as our meeting ?you are my teammate of course I FUCKING TALK TO YOU. if i dont then there will be miscommunication between us and i wouldnt be happy by it

there's no hope anymore. . . Even though the bean already spilt, they kept telling me to live with it. There's no more justice, no more sympathy. What do I expect when I tell them about it ? For some sympathy ? For some help ? Haha, its my own fault for always being in my little head. In my world, where everything goes according to what I want. Human are just selfish, always think about themselves and will be happy as long as they are not the one that is misfortune. Ah, this world.

After for such a long week of not replying in our groupchat, on the presentation day  after finished with ours ,they only congrats and say we got an A. I dont want to be the stepping stone. 
          
          These thoughts keep haunting me and I am afraid.

She has many times do and say hurtful things to me. Always comparing her lifestyle with mine, brag about herself. One time, this came out of nowhere. My teacher just saying that if the prime minister is a person like me, then the country can rise to the better level. We are learning about how to make out country better etc. Then that girl said, across the room, where everyone can literally hears her "I bet the country will be brought to the lower level !" . Is this a joke? I dont know, I kept silence and do my own thing. She never once say sorry for her mistakes. None of my classmates, friends nor even teacher stand up for me. Goodbye everyone, school.
          
          for her partner, he once jokes around and I dont care. One time, it really ticked me off. I am awkward and tend to stare down. Not at their face but at pants/skirts. Im just afraid. He spoke out loud inside the classroom, until everyone can hear that "eh, you know they stare at your _____"., he informed to the person that just spoke to me. I. . . I honestly dont know how to react to it now . All of those times, I just wish that I can die.
          
          Teammates problem also got. always leaving the bad impression when I yell and them for not doing their part and they blame me that I didnt explain enough about their specs part. yes, the recent one, their friend even try to frame me that I try to steal their phones by placing it on my table when I am busy doing my job. They dont even apologize and blame me for everything. And I stupidly do all those teammates job just becauseI dont want to put my grade at risk. Oh, how I wish that I can just instantly disappear ? Another one group work has to video and I am the one talking in it. Everyone got their part. I am not the leader but the other members keep asking me about, what to fill this in ? How? When? , how about that leader , the director? They only show themselves during the presentation day of that video.

My crush that I have liked since im in elementary school suddenly move to the same high school as mine. All rumors surrounded them, about being in many relationships. One day, I was just minding my own business. They sat across the table as mine. Suddenly, they angrily hush me away from my seat and say "your head is in my way of looking at that person" (all the person in class knew that they like that person). I dont know man, I just move away and push myself out of the bubble that 'oh I like them' quickly. I lost contact which is the good thing. That is not all, at first I can see what they share at their social media, their current relationship with this one girl in my class. One thing that I dont like about this girl is she tend to look down on me. I dont know what is it. I know that I always being nerdy by can answer easily all my tests, always try to have good relationships with others. I dont know  maybe she is still angry that I forgot to tell her one thing about one thing that have to be done in our homework for a subject that didnt have any paper during final exam. I still remember that glare by her across the room as she was being scolded by the teacher. hey, that girl always skip school and I just try to help her by listing out all homeworks. Even her friends didnt inform her about it. So, that girl and they always acts mushy mushy in their pics  One day, their pics are nowhere to be seen anymore. Turned out they have broken off and I bet they already block off my account. At least I didnt  beg others to love me
          
          Other than that, this one not official couple always tend to get on my nerve. The girl will try to get closer to me by studying together, ask for tips, doing homework etc but I dont quite like it

At certain point, I do get all fluttery when liking a person but I dont think I am all that serious. My taste always change. No, I dont want being in a thresome relationship, or keep changing my partners. So, thats why I always think to myself as to how people choose partners. It is part of their feelings or guts ? I am seriously afraid of talking to others except if I really said, fuck it they will not remember it, that is when I really give it my all. I cant blame that what I became is due to the past. But, it really leave some scars that I still remember.

my aunt once said that I can search for potential partner while I am studying but honestly I am not particularly interest to do that. I dont wish to share this thoughts to my friends or my family. They will respond that I shouldnt say something like that as its part of human nature. I know that liking and loving is part of it too. I KNOW that I tend to fantasize about love plot but . . .? 
          "Oh, you are hallucinating. You cant even differentiate between dream and reality", this is what i think the community will say about me. Regarding gender, I dont wish to know more about it. Im satisfied with mine so no conspiracy. Born with it, die with it.

by what I mean, you and your partner eat take out food all day