Raven

Something must be wrong with me if i wanna start an argument with my boyfriend for no reason, like cmon raven be real, wtf is wrong with you?

Is it bad that i wanna start an argument just to feel like even more shit, like why do i actually wanna be mad? I hate being mad

When shit is getting to me like it always does i just wanna distance myself from everyone and be alone. But i hate being alone but being around people and talking takes energy and who even has time for that anymore? Yk? Yeah, im so cool on how when im struggling i always want to push people away but dont because idk how and i actually dont wanna be alone but talking is so exhausting. But idk what to do with my life, im losing weight instead of gaining it because of all this stress im under and now mom told me about my schedule and shes all nice and i cant bring myself to think about leaving, cus its scaring me, i feel so shitty, like no mom im not going to that school this year im sorry, and now i have to leave everyone behind and be by my self again.. a new kid again..? What.. i don't wanna leave aspen, this shit is so hard, and half the time i feel like its only me and her and i forget about everyone else, and i dont wanna leave her, what am  i gonna do at a new school? Who will i be friends with, im scared. Im quiet unless i know someone and i wont talk to people unless im talked to first. What if i get lost in that school? Idk how big it is.. its gonna be so embarrassing, im a senior.. im sorry mom..

I love when hew on tiktok all day but never texts me or watches the videos i send him when hes hanging out with people✌
          
          When people are online and yet they don’t respond to you<<

Any time i hit ice on my tired or i feel them slip when im trying to stop like that one day with the roads all icy and my mom was behind me and we were on a call, sure it was kinda jokey about how my tires were just sliding and i almost missed the turn but there was a ditch infront of me and i got this feeling of fear like i was gonna go into the ditch. And i just imagined what would happen even though i was only going like maybe 2 mph. It still scared me. Any time i felt my tires slip on a turn or at all it scared me. I keep thinking back to it, my wreck. What if i hadnt blacked out? Would i really have ptsd or soemthing, idek if i have it now. Anything close to it happening again like a slight slip or something it scares me i start to feel a bit panicky. I was just thinking of it walking down the hallway to my locker after school and i felt like i couldn’t breath properly my throat was tightening. It hurt to breath through my nose i felt like i was suffocating a bit. Maybe it does affect me more then i think it does or how i put it out to affect me to others. I mean i don’t have nightmares? But, that may not be all it i guess? I dont know.

The only reason why i still talk to Alex is because of Jax. I dont give any fucks about Alex. But i cant say that to Jax because its his best friend. I fucking feel like hes taking Jax away from me. But yk for Jax not to be depressed he needs his bestie yk? Yeah. Alex is so fucking annoying with his stupid ass voice. Im so sick of him. But yk i cant say that to Jax, he’d probably get mad at me or soemthing. But ykw at this point. Good. Idgaf. I feel so fucking pathetic. Only a day of not talking to my boyfriend, fine like twoish. And im DEPRESSED?? Me?? Depressed?? Yeah hah what a fun thing. Ugh. I hate being so dependent on him. My fucking mood depends on how much ive talked to him or interacted with him. I know this isnt even healthy at all but its okay? Right? Ill still be fine. I feel so distant, like im pushing him away whenever hes around other people. Like oh here have your time with them idc. Why do i even care so much? He has a life, i need to get over it. But idk how. My fucking jealousy issues. I hate that not even music is enough to keep me entertained. Im just empty. Fuck you co-dependancy i fucking hate you,

Hes still hanging out with his bestieee, so i hung up on him. He just annoys me not my boyfriend but his bestfriend. His voice. How he looks. Just him. He just angers me. So ig im goin to bed without being on call again. Yay.

When that one person is hanging out with their bestfriend and you wanna leave them alone so they can hang out because it isnt always about you but since you arent talking to that person everything seems really fucking boring and you feel like your just an empty void, but you dont wanna say anything because that person is having fun and going to the movies and stuff and your just stuck here with this endless boredom.

I love it when people ignore me and only talk to me when they want to. But i can call their siblings and they’ll perfectly answer me. Like what happened to all those conversations we had? Weren’t we close? Was it a lie? All a facade? Am i really that dumb to believe you actually liked me? Sure you were my favorite cousin. But now i dont know..would you actually be there for me if i cried calling you? I doubt she’d answer. I thought we were on the same side? I thought you wanted to live with me when we were older? What happened to that deep Conversation on that Chicago trip together? Was that all a lie? Do you really not care about me that much? Was i really fooled by you? If i go to north scott will you actually let me in or act like you all like me and im actually alone. Is that whole group fake now? Are you all acting like you like me?  It sure feels like it with the amount of times i get ignored by them. Thanks. Some family you are.. i really fucking trusted you. You’re letting me down twice now? Are you sure you’re not friends with that fucking traitor of a best friend anymore? Because hey you could have lied about it. Gods im so pathetic. How could i? Why am i so gullible. I hate it.

PERCY JACKSON IS SO FUN TO REAADD (Chapter 9-10 so far)