Raven

Any time i hit ice on my tired or i feel them slip when im trying to stop like that one day with the roads all icy and my mom was behind me and we were on a call, sure it was kinda jokey about how my tires were just sliding and i almost missed the turn but there was a ditch infront of me and i got this feeling of fear like i was gonna go into the ditch. And i just imagined what would happen even though i was only going like maybe 2 mph. It still scared me. Any time i felt my tires slip on a turn or at all it scared me. I keep thinking back to it, my wreck. What if i hadnt blacked out? Would i really have ptsd or soemthing, idek if i have it now. Anything close to it happening again like a slight slip or something it scares me i start to feel a bit panicky. I was just thinking of it walking down the hallway to my locker after school and i felt like i couldn’t breath properly my throat was tightening. It hurt to breath through my nose i felt like i was suffocating a bit. Maybe it does affect me more then i think it does or how i put it out to affect me to others. I mean i don’t have nightmares? But, that may not be all it i guess? I dont know.

The only reason why i still talk to Alex is because of Jax. I dont give any fucks about Alex. But i cant say that to Jax because its his best friend. I fucking feel like hes taking Jax away from me. But yk for Jax not to be depressed he needs his bestie yk? Yeah. Alex is so fucking annoying with his stupid ass voice. Im so sick of him. But yk i cant say that to Jax, he’d probably get mad at me or soemthing. But ykw at this point. Good. Idgaf. I feel so fucking pathetic. Only a day of not talking to my boyfriend, fine like twoish. And im DEPRESSED?? Me?? Depressed?? Yeah hah what a fun thing. Ugh. I hate being so dependent on him. My fucking mood depends on how much ive talked to him or interacted with him. I know this isnt even healthy at all but its okay? Right? Ill still be fine. I feel so distant, like im pushing him away whenever hes around other people. Like oh here have your time with them idc. Why do i even care so much? He has a life, i need to get over it. But idk how. My fucking jealousy issues. I hate that not even music is enough to keep me entertained. Im just empty. Fuck you co-dependancy i fucking hate you,

Hes still hanging out with his bestieee, so i hung up on him. He just annoys me not my boyfriend but his bestfriend. His voice. How he looks. Just him. He just angers me. So ig im goin to bed without being on call again. Yay.

When that one person is hanging out with their bestfriend and you wanna leave them alone so they can hang out because it isnt always about you but since you arent talking to that person everything seems really fucking boring and you feel like your just an empty void, but you dont wanna say anything because that person is having fun and going to the movies and stuff and your just stuck here with this endless boredom.

I love it when people ignore me and only talk to me when they want to. But i can call their siblings and they’ll perfectly answer me. Like what happened to all those conversations we had? Weren’t we close? Was it a lie? All a facade? Am i really that dumb to believe you actually liked me? Sure you were my favorite cousin. But now i dont know..would you actually be there for me if i cried calling you? I doubt she’d answer. I thought we were on the same side? I thought you wanted to live with me when we were older? What happened to that deep Conversation on that Chicago trip together? Was that all a lie? Do you really not care about me that much? Was i really fooled by you? If i go to north scott will you actually let me in or act like you all like me and im actually alone. Is that whole group fake now? Are you all acting like you like me?  It sure feels like it with the amount of times i get ignored by them. Thanks. Some family you are.. i really fucking trusted you. You’re letting me down twice now? Are you sure you’re not friends with that fucking traitor of a best friend anymore? Because hey you could have lied about it. Gods im so pathetic. How could i? Why am i so gullible. I hate it.

PERCY JACKSON IS SO FUN TO REAADD (Chapter 9-10 so far)

Yk not to be selfish because i hate putting myself first. I absolutely hate it. But. What happened to a normal happy birthday where nothing goes wrong anymore? Why does so much shit have to happen? 
          And hell even when shit does go wrong where am i to help? I want to help because it feels like im being useful. Like im not some useless idiot who cant do anything. I feel like im so stupid and pathetic right now. How do i help? I dont know, im not good with words. Come on brain think of words of encouragement. You’re fucking 17 now that’s practically almost an adult. Just one more year. But yk what else i dont want to happen. The more that time goes by. The closer it gets to that i have to leave my best fucking friend in the world. And i dont want to. I thought about it thought the day. And i hate it. I dont want to leave her. We’ve barely even have hung out within the whole 4 years weve known eachother. Like where is the time going. I only have 5 months left with her.. what am i gonna do?? Whats gonna happen… i dont wanna leave her.. im sitting on the ground crying. I dont wanna leave her, what am i gonna do without her.. thats why i wanna move in with her, maybe ill live with my dad for a bit then live with her when i can, like i dont wanna leave her. I hate thinking about it. It just now crossed my mind. Sure yeah i joke about it, but it hurts now that its getting closer. The whole time i joked about it today it started to get to me. Sure ill be in a better place but will i be happy? Man its such a win lose situation.. a very big lose…

What’s up just chillin haven’t been here in months and I’m listening to this podcast and I love it <333 THANK YOU POOKIE FOR SENDING IT TO MEEEE<333/p

Now Aspen is mad at Tibbs and Tibbs feels bad and Tibbs thought that they were arguing about something light hearted and tibbs started crying and I feel like I should of dropped it and I’m scared that Aspen is really mad at Tibbs and Tibbs feels bad and I don’t know what to do, and I’m panicking, and my stomach feels sick… and I don’t know what to do at all and I really want to do something but I don’t think I can… and now I just found a crack in my screen..

I just wanna quit dance… I can’t do this anymore, my mom is trying to guilt trip me into staying but I can’t… I can’t deal with it anymore.. yeah I enjoy it but… I can’t see her face anymore… I can’t look at her the same… I’m tired of it.. fuck you charity. FUCK YOU. AND YIUR LYING ASS.