Raven TT

So I have decided to move most of the conversation posts from here into the letters book in the chapter titled Conversation Tab Confessions. I'll probably just keep adding to that one page since it is more for me than anything else. 
          
          The ones already posted in this tab will stay but they are now also located in the book.

I don't think I have ever looked at my yearbooks as much as I have week. I have no clue why I have become so obsessed with looking through the pages of former classmates who probably wouldn't even remember me if they tried really hard.  Maybe it's the feeling that I could realistically talk to some of these people and maybe they wouldn't hate me.
          
          I think I just want people not to hate me for once in my life. I just want anyone to want me in their life for longer than two seconds because that's all any one has ever wanted from me. I look at some people in my yearbook and all I can think is that we could have been friends. Had Prince not controlled who I talked to in grade nine, maybe I would have more friends. Had I not stopped going because of fear, maybe I would have more friends. Had I stopped allowing what others said about me to dictate what I actually felt capable of, maybe I would have more than two friends that actually liked me. 
          
          I'm not as sad anymore but I guess I have been thinking a lot about the decisions in my life that have led to me writing this now. Don't get me wrong, it's hard but one day at a time, it's a little less. I think I just have been torturing myself with the what ifs lately. 
          
          I stopped thinking for a long time about what could have happened because it was productive but lately it feels as though I am randomly getting memories of things I didn't even know I knew. 
          
          I wish things would slow down for a bit so I could finally understand what is going on in my life.

I don't really know why I'm even writing this right now. I'm sad I guess. I don't feel great and I guess the realization that things aren't moving right now is making things more difficult. I was talking about doing my hair this weekend and now I'm on my own and am starting to rethink going to a salon to get my hair finally done. I loved getting my hair done and honestly right now, all I can think about is not getting out of bed for a few days. I don't really remember the last time I didn't want to get out of bed for days. I also guess that I'm luckier now. I have a pretty good reason to get out of bed, to see someone really important to me. I don't want to miss the chance to see them ever so I guess now it might be easier to just get up and keep things going for just another day until I can build it back up to being my own motivation to get out bed.
          
          Man, I haven't felt like this in years and to be honest I have no idea where these messy thoughts have come from considering that I was fine a few hours ago with my friend. 
          
          Maybe the quiet is just a lot tonight.

I have been updating the letters so much lately and that's okay but I want to also be writing so I am going to probably start writing a book. I have a few ideas and would love if anyone checked it out once it was published.
          
          On a completely different note, I see that people are reading the letters (I think) and I just wanted to extent the hand to say hi. I'm trying to talk to more people, so if you are reading any of these or the books, I would love to talk to you. I also just want to know who you are since you are reading my emotional reading trash.
          
          I also want to find out if maybe Wifey and CC are reading, highly doubtful but I am apparently a glutton for punishment since I keep hoping that maybe they are and maybe something will sway them into reaching out.
          
          Have a great day/night and my DMs are always open, although sorry if I suck at replying sometimes.

I have been updating my letters and we probably write a few more today. They helped. Helped being the key word. The letters aren't really helping anymore. I just want to get this shit off my chest and stop with this running guilt that I feel constantly.
          Some letters I don't feel the need to send but others are creating almost like gnawing feeling as of lately. I have a feeling that this is not being helped by the fact that I have been actually sleeping pretty well lately. Sleep means dreaming and dreaming means dreaming of them. Dreaming of them makes the feelings so much worse. 
          I have no clue what to do if I'm being honest. I want to throw caution to the wind but at the same time my anxiety says that this is a terrible idea. It doesn't help that the people I have expressed my wishes to have made it very clear that they think this is a stupid idea. 
          I'm scared that maybe my friends have been lying. Or better sentence that they haven't exactly told me everything about why they don't want me reaching out. I wonder if it would even make a difference.

So I have actually sent out one of the letters from my book, the full update is at the end of the letter. I actually come on here pretty often now which is strange since at one point in my life, I wouldn't open this for months. 
          I hope that if anyone reads this, they can gain strength. You can gain the strength it takes to do whatever you want, like say the things you want before its too late.
          
          Anyways, no one reads the conversations panel so this is a diary but it remains, maybe someone will.

I guess I actually am writing again. It is not at all the way I want to be writing but honestly it feels so good to get this crap off my chest. 
          
          Although I now have a new problem. I so desperately want to send certain people in my life a link to my letters because I no longer want to hold guilt for this stuff. I can't really tell anyone in my life that though. I don't even know who I would tell honestly. I'm not sure who would listen to my whole reason before adamantly saying it is the worst idea in the world. No one seems to listen to me anymore.

It is one in the morning and honestly, I want to write and talk to someone. I can only fix one of these issues so I am going to be writing tonight. No one reads these but if you do, maybe we should talk. Maybe I'll just used this as a diary of sorts. My letters are already on here so what's the harm in more truth.

I haven't been writing as much as I used to and honestly, I'm ready for that to change so my short imagine book and prompt book are gonna be getting more updates. I have been writing in the letter book and I'll continue to do that until I feel like there are no more things to say (Don't think that'll ever happen) but I'm not forcing myself to write letter when I don't want to so it may be a while.
          Anyways I don't even think I have any followers on here but this is more for me so thanks if you have read this.

I am going to start publishing stuff more so check out the two ongoing books I have, fandom stories and picture prompt stories and if you want check out the super old discontinued book I have. I’m really open for feedback and conversations in general so yeah. It’s been a while.