ReggieCanSwim
A friend told me journaling will make me feel better so knowing I used Wattpad as a vent place before here we are again. These are more like notes to myself I'll read later in time to acknowledge how childish and stupid I was in the past or words I don't want to forget.
Today was alright. Not much happening. I got sick though. Classes weren't as stressful cuz Tuesday is our easiest day when it comes to school and our headteacher got sick too so we didn't have biology class. I got a 10 in maths. That was my highlight of the day. I remember a few months ago, when the selections were going on, my father told me he'll vote for who I want and it was too late.
There's this guy in my class I'm totally head over heels but I don't know how he feels about me but most likely it's one sided. I hate how much effort into making things work just for me to have an existential crisis every time I see him. I'll talk about him a lot here so bare with me cuz I have many things to say about him. I wrote him a letter on Valentine's. I'm not sure if he pretended to read it or actually read it but he keeps saying he didn't read it and I don't know if I should believe him or not. He wrote "I accept" on it and gave it back to me. That was it. After classes he pulled me closer by putting his hand on my shoulder while we were walking and talking.
I tried so hard to be someone he would like in that way. I looked up on the internet for signs and stuff about this kind of things. I started to put make up on. I started to study more and do my homework specifically because I know he'll ask me to give it to him so he copies it. It's my motivation.
I know I'm most likely delusional. I'm well aware of that. I'm overthinking a lot and I'm at the point where I don't know when I'm overreacting or overexaggerating. I hate the way he changed my days in just 3 months. It started off as a silly crush and now I'm crying because I changed so much for a person who doesn't show any interest.
ReggieCanSwim
I'm not blaming him for not liking me back because I wouldn't love myself either if I were him. I don't know how I got wrong so many signals. My best friend, who I'll call Mercy, said she's done with me bragging about him because I can't have a conversation without bringing him into it. One of my biggest fears is being seen as desperate or toxic or obsessive or anything like that over someone. I know there were times I seemed like I pushed people away from my life because I didn't say anything nor mentioned something was bothering me when I had a misunderstanding with someone. I wish I had the courage to. I don't know how to express myself when it comes to anything so romance was never my strongest subject. All my crushes were all fictional expect for a girl in my neighborhood I know but now I see her more as a parent figure.
My deskmate went to the same elementary school as him and told me he hasn't changed too much since then but he said I'm the only one he hugs. Why would you hug someone you know damn well likes you so much? Sometimes it's so random too. Sometimes he tugs on my hair or touch my shoulder or strangle me. He does this thing where he pretends to punch me and if he does, it's playful. I know there's more people he does this with but one time he did this during chemistry class and the teacher saw him and JOKINGLY started to say he should apologize by asking me out.
Our headteacher called us love birds when we asked her to move us together. His mother called me her daughter in law. My mother teased me about it and called me by his last name. Our classmates sometimes ask us if we're still together and he just walks away. Our Romanian teacher talks about everything during class even if it has nothing to do with the lessons and she often talks about love. Now, we used to sit in front of the class together and when she would walk about she'd stop at his desk and start talking about love and romance and things like that while he acted bothered.
