Robot_Turtle

Morgan standing in the middle of the doorway: .. where's my backpack?
          Me: I don't know but I think you need to fucking walk forward

So I'm sleeping at a friend's house and she's dead asleep with her hand on my butt. I'm okay with this 

"I had a weird dream"
          "So did I"
          "Did yours involve visions of babies dying too?"
          ".... No. My grandpa won the lottery"
          "Oh... Your dream sounds nicer than mine"

"Have you ever had a dream where you can hear everything but can't see"
          "Yeah my first dream where I was blind was like that. I got to listen to all my friends scream in terror as a giant space bug murdered them"
          ".. what the fuck?!"

Best friend: I can't beat my cat. That's animal abuse
          Me: and I'm pretty sure beating your kid is child abuse
          Best friend: no it's different
          Me: what

I'm about 72% sure my best friend has hearing damage

My dad, who is a full grown adult with a good job, girlfriend and kid, spent 10 minutes curled up on the couch, whining about how we didn't have any butter to make grilled cheese

Me: are you crying?
          Friend: *obviously crying* no.

Just got hit in the face with a baked bean can lid

My family friend just had a fight with his dog. It's now sleeping on the couch