✮

collect my pages 
          https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamecatboy

i need to fuck up something using my teeth i need to chew and tear and destroy

maybe not a single real reason 
          my blood’s already out of season 
          so unwanted, even by myself 
          tell me, what the hell? what the hell?
          
          i don’t like what’s at my core 
          pray to god to fix my soul 
          but i don't need god’s forgiveness 
          i need yours

winter break in 2 days can't wait to rot for 2 weeks

okay now i'm actually no longer going to that therapist

"You're so selfish"
          yeah maybe you think that because i'm FUCKING AUTISTIC and the only way i can relate to things and empathize and whatever is SHARING MY OWN EXPERIENCES AND FEELINGS 
          but yeah i'm self-centered and don't care about other's opinions and feelings sure whatever dude

i want to hit my head against something
          i want to inflict some kind of bodily harm that won't leave marks or consequences
          my head hurts
          i want to tear the hair out of my scalp
          i want to do something
          
          but i won't 
          i'll type
          keep my restraint
          typing is my only outlet
          the void and those passerbys my only audience
          
          i don't leave my shackled chair within it
          those who wish to listen come to me
          i can't leave my spot
          even if i thrashed and struggled
          they'd just dig and tear and keep me put
          it may sound miserable but it's better this way
          for everyone else's sake
          
          an enigma in a danger labelled cage
          or something less colorful 
          whatever suits your tastes
          something meant to be viewed from a distance 
          like that of a corpse flower or the sort
          someone out there sees the beauty in them without using them for research 
          seeing them as some temporary thing in the long run
          perhaps the same will happen to me someday
          if i can make myself function long enough for such moment 
          
          ah...

i want to talk 
          i want to face things head on
          you can ignore and try to forget all you want but it'll never get you anywhere

so i'm not going to that therapist anymore

unusual 
          they say strange fascination, infatuation 
          a lunatic 
          call me what suits your tastes, i just want a taste 
          and i've always heard, "it's what's inside that counts"