sam :)

since i have at least one person reading these, i guess ill try to update more often.
          
          im currently grieving over the loss of my favorite wattpad series since middle school, "i kissed a boy" by rotXinXpieces. its my comfort series, and it's totally gone like it never existed. i might be on my period, and i might have spent twenty minutes crying over this, and i might also have fallen asleep afterwards like a pathetic loser.
          
          work is kicking my ass. im a high schooler. you can't make me handle every autism meltdown these kids have. im not equipped to handle special needs kids. i might have an autistic brother, but that doesnt mean i know everything. bring them to the fucking preschool teacher who's working in the room next to me. i love this camp, but i cant be the designated kiddie crash out helper. ill talk to my hot bisexual manager about this.
          
          my best friend's boyfriend invited me to his birthday party. he also invited L, whom i havent spoken to since late april, and seems pretty content with the single life as of right now. he didnt know whether to invite me or L, which is stupid. theres no beef between us. it's just whatever. i want to do something stupid. like make out with L at the party. i bet i could. he would totally do something stupid like that with me. the only thing is, i'd be totally trolling bc i DONT GAF ABOUT THIS KID ANYMORE BAHAH
          
          im hella horny tho i just wanna make out w someone pls god send a man my way
          
          i have two juniors who seem to be into me, only one of them i would consider talking to. the other one is sweet, but he's not my type.
          
          church camp coming up. its a beach camp. im gonna get so tan. my new swimsuit is hot asf im finally learning to love myself
          
          im just really bored, honestly. i wanna do something crazy for the plot. i think i will actually try to get with L at my friend's bf's party. just to troll.
          
          not much of an update, but im just braindumping bc i dont rlly talk to my friends ab this stuff
          
          im tired i have work tmr so bye

i don't really care. it's weird. i feel like i should cry, because i know myself and i know this is something i'd cry about. but i can't. i literally can't cry about it. somehow i knew it was going to happen. i think i'm at peace with it.
          
          it's been a week and one day since he's texted me. i texted last. he never responded. im on delivered, actually. i know he's not grounded. he's active on social media, on everything.
          
          part of me wonders if he was just pissed about his ex reaching out so he hooked up with the closest girl he could find that wouldn't be involved in the drama.
          
          then theres another part of me that knows for a fact that he likes (liked?) me. it was more than horniness. he came to my CHURCH. he just wanted to be around me.
          
          so why just stop talking to me? i don't understand. i'm fine, i'd just like an answer, at least.
          
          there's just one thing that's kind of frustrating. he stopped texting me on a SUNDAY. my best friend's boyfriend asked him if he wanted to double-date at the mall on TUESDAY. and he said yes. HE SAID YES!!!! SO WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING CUZ CLEARLY YOU DON'T WANNA TALK TO ME. went from talking every day to him being dry for two days and then silence. im not texting him. im not doing anything. ill see him at the next hangout and if he's a bitch and ignores me, i'll be fine. if he's a bigger bitch and tries to act like there's not a problem, then i'll have a fucking problem.
          
          i hate boys. i talked to this guy at on friday. fucking coward. he couldn't even ask me to dance. sure, you can flirt, but you can't show anyone. why do i only pull cowards?
          
          im always a secret. i don't want to be a secret. i'm in no place to make demands, but i shouldn't be forced to do this all the time. it's every single guy. i'm a fucking catch. i know i'm pretty. i might not have an ass, but i have a newfound sense of confidence from the past year. any guy would be LUCKY to have me. which is why im going lesbian LMAOOOOOOOO
          
          kidding
          
          maybe not im really tired

its only gotten worse. he's acting more and more of an idiot when we text. he's getting comfortable. we bully each other now.
          
          i need him. at school today i was in the middle of a quiz and i felt my phone buzz in my pocket and i caught a whiff of his cologne. HIS COLOGNE GUYS IT'S THE MOST AMAZING SMELL i almost fell out of my chair my heart was pounding. apparently memory and smell are closely linked, so my phone buzzing mustve made my brain think "oh he texted me" and i remembered the makeout session in the elevator at the quince-
          
          IN OTHER NEWS im going to my friends prom and im hella excited cuz i had to skip my prom for the quince. I HAD A DRESS AND EVERYTHING AND ITS THE MOST GORGEOUS PIECE OF SILK YOU'VE EVER SEEN OH MY
          
          no one reads these but it's safer than my notes app and i sure as hell am not writing this on paper. can't risk getting leaked. #strictparents! haha kill me
          
          i need him. I CAN'T STOP I CANT STOP HELP WHATS HAPPENING TO ME

thank GOD for this ice bucket challenge for giving me a decent recording of his voice. i could cry, that's how pathetically horny i am. shameful, really. i'm sure he'd smile his stupid asshole smile if he knew i screen-recorded that fucking video.
          
          i shouldn't like him so much. he's gotten me in trouble twice now, just because he can't keep his hands off of me. sneaking little kisses is one thing, but grabbing my ass at church during worship is another. it's the hottest thing, i swear. his goofy smile when he tries not to laugh.
          
          i like how he looks my hand over. he'll hold my hand and then like take it into his lap and just inspect it and feel my nails and trace the lines. that it, before he starts being a dick again and trying finger-fuck my hand. HOW DOES HE MOVE HIS FINGERS SO FAST AHHH STOP STOPS TOPSTOPSFISGSHFAHFSTOP
          
          situationship of the century. i want to meet his mom just to piss him off. ik she'd like me. parents like me, i'm a good kid. HE'S THE HORNY ONE.
          
          or at least he's the obvious one.
          
          I NEED TO GET HIM ALONE WE HAVENT BEEN ALONE IN TWO WEEKS I'M SHAKING I NEED THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE VIDEO GOODBYE

he's so fucking sweet. and hot. 
          
          lord, he's hot. 
          
          he's always pushing the boundaries between respectful and horny. like, yes, put your hand on my shoulder blade. 
          
          yes, play with the hem of my shorts. 
          
          yes, hook your finger around my pinky in the backseat of my best friend's car. 
          
          yes, whisper 'see you friday' in my ear as you leave.
          
          yes, text me late at night and tell me about the movie you just watched.
          
          yes, sing the lyrics of the music in your headphones while attempting to hold my hand.
          
          yes, sit close to me on the couch in front of everyone and put your arm around me like it's second nature.
          
          I'VE NEVER BEEN WANTED BEFORE, AND HE'S SO PERFECT AND I FEEL SO LUCKY AND NERVOUS AND EXCITED AND TURNED ON LORD HAVE MERCY

You are very cool idk just wanted to say that

Hi, sorry to bother but I would like to present this fic about boys love that I think you will like, I was wondering if you are interested in reading and if possible vote, I thanked you forever: https://www.wattpad.com/story/388776578?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&wp_page=reading&wp_uname=Franciscoxz_

BELATED CHRISTMAS WISHESSSSZ

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE! 

yall what the fuck is going on with fox news
          
          duh luigi shot the guy. he deserved it. eat the rich right??
          
          yes. ill answer my own question.
          
          im tired.
          
          deny defend depose