Angel

Tonight reminded me why I don't fucking work with my sister anymore 

"Ah yes!
          Let's make fun of her last name even though for five years she's talked about how much it hurts her
          And to make it even more interesting 
          Let's do it right as she's called on to do her psychology presentation she spent forever telling us she was nervous about
          Then!
          As a cherry on top, let's yell "Oh she's crying now!" And start laughing at her
          Then, we'll whisper about how embarrassing it is that she did the presentation one on one with the psych teacher because she didn't want to be crying in front of everyone while presenting
          AND THEN
          We'll rub it in her face that we were more confident during our presentations
          AND AFTER THAT????
          We'll wait until hours after school lets out for summer break to ask her why she's been distant for months.
          But we'll act like it's been a few weeks.
          We'll also ask if it's something we don't know about instead of acknowledging what we have been doing to her for months.
          And when she says she's fine and apologizes to us for worrying and confusing us, we'll tell her we weren't even worried.
          And then we'll act like we were never bad and she's just dramatic
          And we won't even ask her if she's actually okay or if she's just avoiding it
          And we'll just avoid talking about how much pain we caused her"
          
          —My best friend of six years. To me. She did all of this to me.

Nearly two in the morning
          I'm writing my psychology paper that's due when I walk in
          But it's supposed to be a presentation.
          And, I made it more targeted on my own emotions.
          
          How could I not?
          I mean, when the scenario I have to write about is
          "After being bullied in middle school, a student now finds it difficult to trust others, even though they are in a new, friendly environment."
          How could I not?
          
          How do CLASSICAL CONDITIONING and ATTACHMENT THEORY explain their reaction?
          
          When a dog sees a treat, it gets excited. Wags its tail, salivates, and sometimes does tricks.
          Introduce a bell or clicker to the equation. Click. Treat. Ring. Treat.
          It learns those clicks and rings are leading to the treat.
          
          Attachment theory, a caregiver relationship shapes future connections.
          In simple terms, that’s it. Your people treat you one way, so you expect it from everyone.
          
          Bullying. These people are usually your peers. The people in a similar position as you.
          Students you see in class.
          In the hallways.
          These people end up being more than that in the end.
          The passing comments, all full of negativity, behind the back, to the face.
          The words carry, they hurt, they stain a person's self-worth.
          You see someone in the hallway, they stare a little too hard, and now you’re flooded with the idea that they are like the others.
          They must be talking about you. Everyone else is.
          
          Those harsh words and harsh treatment only kept coming.
          So the bully, became the conditioned stimulus.
          The words and actions are the unconditioned stimulus. Being treated with disrespect that is targeting specific things about you pulls out an unconditioned response.
          
          Tears.
          Fear.
          
          Stronger emotions that can be much harder to carry than anyone wants to admit.
          The student learns that this bully is always paired with those harsh actions.
          Now, every time they catch even the slightest glimpse of this bully, they are scared. They want to hide away.
          
          Of course, they learn these people are sweet.
          But maybe that bully was too.

haiiiii
          ik its been a while
          I just wanted to know if you knew anything about SKZnTOP
          its just been a while since I've heard from either of their accounts
          so if yk anything pls tell me
          ALSO
          ily
          drink water
          eat food
          get some sleep and take care of urself
          <3

I wish I had stayed in that forest 

I'm in the woods, it's so quiet and peaceful
          I wanna stay here

I'm slowly becoming the person I used to be, and I hate it.
          I hate it because when I was that person, people weren't afraid to tell me they hated me.
          People would act like they needed me because they just wanted me to stop being emotional.
          
          But now, I have to sit while my friends pass around secrets that I can't know because apparently it'd be the end of the world.
          
          Now I have to get blamed because I didn't know how to use a Polaroid camera, even though I told her I didn't know.
          
          And I apologized.
          
          I've apologized for things I didn't even do.
          
          And yes, telling each other to d.ie is an inside joke.
          
          But when it's the guy who's been helping you so much emotionally, and it's a text, and it's after he yelled at you and called you stupid.
          
          It's not a joke anymore.
          
          When I have to lay awake in my bed, hoping I did nothing wrong, is when I know that they're finally tired of me.
          
          And I'm tired of myself.

Ha ha ha~
          I thought writing like this was fun
          Guys
          I'm so upset.
          
          I miss my twins.
          All gone too soon.
          :(
          
          But hopefully this writing will ease that feeling.
          It's actually eating away at me.
          I need them to come back so bad.
          You don't know how hard it is to breathe right now.
          I miss them too much.
          
          I love each and every one of them.
          There are three that are hitting the hardest right now.
          Three that hit the hardest in the past.
          
          I can't take another heartbreak.
          If one more tragic thing happens, I am going to lose it.
          Really.
          Plus, now I am involved in a situation that I didn't need to be in!
          
          I got dragged into it because I'm friends with the dude who's in the situation!
          
          Life is hard...
          
          I don't even know what I'm yapping about anymore.
          
          Please take care of yourselves <3
          Eat well <3
          Drink plentiful water <3
          Rest up <3
          And I am here for you <3
          I love you <3

Should I make another account?
          One where I post my personal writing?
          Hmmmm~
          I won't tell you if I do~
          
          I'll tell if I do it
          But you won't get the account name~

Surprised my mom with a bedazzled Dr. Pepper can
          
          Safe to say she loved it